Posted by: Hannah | 06/07/2016

i am Lisa Simpson

In case you don’t know me in real life, this is a pretty accurate representation:


I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t crave approval. I live for hearing “good job!” or “nicely done!” or the ever-elusive “perfect! I wouldn’t change a thing!”

It’s actually really hard to need that external validation all the time. I’m so paralyzed at the thought of not doing something right that it can be really difficult for me to complete necessary tasks. This has been a challenge since I was a young child; I still remember being almost two weeks late handing in a book report, because I was so daunted by my desire to get a perfect mark that I couldn’t start the work. (When I finally did hand it in, the teacher wrote “99%” at the top, crossed it out in red, and wrote “-15% for lateness”. I’m sure she thought it would be motivating. Instead, 30 years later, I’m still upset about it.)

Now I’m 38 years old, I have a university degree, and I’m literate, numerate, and I still cling to the Oxford comma with both hands.

And I am always waiting for An Authority Figure to grade my work.

Which brings me to today, and the passport office.

We are taking the boys to Orlando this winter. We’re going to Disney World and Universal Studios (for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, natch). It’s a bigger, crazier, more over-the-top trip than we’ve ever done with them, and I’m equal parts excited and terrified. Even though we aren’t leaving for more than six months, I’m already in full-on preparation & planning mode, as if there will be An Authority Figure with a Checklist standing at the gates to the Magic Kingdom and dispensing rewards for people who planned better than everyone else.

None of us has traveled outside the country in years. The last time was spring of 2011, when Michael went to Vegas for a long weekend. Every other trip has been between here and Toronto, usually by car. We haven’t needed passports, and so we haven’t bothered to get them. I haven’t had one since 2007, and I’ve never had one in my married name. Any time we mused about getting them – usually so we could think about taking the route through the US to drive to Ontario – we figured out the price tag and agreed it wasn’t necessary.

All of this meant that two months ago, I went to the post office and picked up five passport applications.

I brought them home and moved them from place to place in my kitchen for at least a week (might have been more like two). I worried about something getting spilled on them. I fretted about what was inside those bland envelopes. Every few days Michael said “we should apply for those passports” and I’d blow him off, because how do you explain sure, application forms are right over there, at least I assume what’s in the envelopes, I’m too scared to look.

Finally one night I got up the courage. I got two new pens. I made a cup of tea. I sat down at the dining room table, took a few deep breaths, and opened one of the envelopes.

First up: birth certificates. I had mine of course, and Michael’s. We had Harry’s long form certificate. We had a short form for Ron, and nothing for George. (Third children always get shafted). I grumbled, opened up my computer, and started the process of ordering George’s from Vital Statistics. As I waited for the page to load, I looked again at the birth certificate requirements… and realized I needed to order a long form for Ron, too. The short form only has the child’s registration number, date of birth, and full name – not the names of the parents. More grumbling. I placed the order for two birth certificates, only having a mild panic as soon as I clicked “submit” when I became convinced that I’d somehow gotten George’s birth year wrong.

The screen told me it would take ten business days to process my order, so the kids’ applications ground to a halt.

OK. Fine. Swallowed another mouthful of tea, moved on to the adult applications. Miraculously, I had everything for Michael’s. Things were looking up! I started mine, and realized I needed our marriage certificate. Not the fancy piece of paper they give you at the ceremony, which is apparently just for show and not a legally-binding document. No, I needed to order the official certificate from… guess where… Vital Statistics.

Much grumbling and cursing, 45 minutes, and $120 later, I had nothing to show for my efforts but a thumping headache. I called it quits for the night.

It was a full three weeks later when the certificates finally arrived.

There followed another week or so of ignoring the applications before it finally got silly. Our preferred guarantor, my sister (who wishes to be called “Hermione” on the blog, so there you go – she’s Hermione now) is leaving the country for three months – we HAD to get it done. It was getting embarrassing.

This weekend we finally filled them out. I was a wreck. I double-checked everybody’s phone numbers. I talked to myself. I printed in neat block capitals. When I accidentally missed a digit in George’s birth certificate registration number, I freaked out until I realized I’d left enough space to squeeze it in. I sweated and cursed and yelled and reminded myself to weigh and measure the children.

Then Hermione came to fill out her part, and since she’s just like me she did all the same things. Block caps. Muttering. Pausing after minor mistakes (“I wrote a lowercase ‘e’! NOOOOO!”) to take some deep breaths. I spent that half hour obsessively examining the passport photos and wondering if they’d get rejected because Harry looks like a juvenile delinquent.

This morning we gathered everything up and went to the passport office. I had to parallel park. I am not good at parallel parking. I did it – not perfectly, though, Michael had to fix it after we had a meter. Then when we were walking toward the building, there was no exterior signage indicating “Passport Office”, so I had a momentary panic about that. While sitting in the waiting area, I noticed a measuring tape fastened to the wall. OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO WEIGH AND MEASURE THE KIDS WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID I FORGET THAT FUUUUUUUUUUUCK. Michael looked at me, perplexed, and said “can’t you just estimate? They’re all going to be taller and heavier by the time we travel, anyway.”

Damn reasonable husbands.

We got to the counter in due time and I handed everything over. My hands were shaking. I apologized for bringing five applications at once. I said “please tell me if I’ve forgotten anything” and “are the pictures OK?” and “I can’t believe I forgot to sign that spot, I’m so sorry!”

Bless his patient heart, the passport clerk either has anxiety himself or is close to someone who does, because he was absolutely lovely. He put me at ease. He praised how neatly and correctly I’ll filled everything out. He thanked me for having all the correct supporting documentation. He practically gave me a gold star, and it sounds very silly, I suppose, but he took something that was a scary thing I was dreading and turned it into a victory for me. The passports will be in the mail no later than June 21st, and I was fairly skipping when we left.

Now, to just spend two weeks worrying that Canada Post will lose the passports!

Posted by: Hannah | 06/06/2016

M-O-O-N, that spells moon

I’m in month three of my “get fit or die trying” regime.

I ended up doing two months of boot camp, instead of one. I was still enjoying the classes themselves by the end, but the commute was killing me – I was spending a total of 40 minutes a day in the car going to and from, before sunrise, just to get there. It was almost more exhausting than the workouts (almost).

When the two months were up, I got a membership to the tiny little gym at our nearby community centre. I meet a friend every weekday morning at 6. Three days a week we do a range of exercises similar to what I was doing at boot camp, and on the other two days we hit the treadmill for cardio.

According to my woefully inaccurate bathroom scale, I haven’t lost much weight, but I know things are in much better trim, because today when I was walking across the kitchen, my jeans straight-up fell off. Slid halfway down my ass before I could catch them.

Charlie immediately yelled “I SEE HANNAH’S BUTT! GUYS! DAISY! GEORGE!! I SEE HANNAH’S BUTT!!!!!” and then he laughed about it for a good half-hour. I had to tell his mom the story at pickup. Imagine, for a moment, that you have your not-quite-3-year-old in daycare. You are sitting around the dinner table, exchanging little stories about your day, when your cherubic angel insists that his daycare provider showed everyone her butt as a little mealtime entertainment. You would absolutely be concerned, I’m thinking.

Thank goodness she’s got a sense of humour.


Posted by: Hannah | 04/10/2016

Ron, eight

Dear Ron,

A spring snowstorm is blowing outside for your eighth birthday. It’s a little disheartening, given that your big gift is a new bicycle, but in typical fashion you’re just cheerfully rolling with it. We can always just play a board game or something inside, you say, one of your many Lego encyclopedias open in your lap.

This past year you’ve really come into your own. You’ve stepped out of Harry’s shadow to really be your own person, and it’s been so fun to watch. You’ve insisted on having a mohawk. You’ve decided not to play baseball this summer, instead opting for, of all things, violin lessons (and as I suspected, you have inherited the musical gifts my grandmother’s family was known for).


All smiles while you learn.

You have lots of friends, and each of them calls you their “best” friend; that tells me you are very good at making people feel special and important. You make others feel good just by being around you, and that is a rare gift.

You read constantly. When you’re in the living room, you’re never without a book in your hand. You retain everything you read, and the refrain I read it in a book somewhere! is your go-to response when someone asks you where you heard a particular fact or bit of knowledge.

After years of begging for a “small pet” of your own – you were thinking hamster or guinea pig – we compromised on three zebra fish. Frank, Mary Ann, and Sally live in a small aquarium on your dresser and you care for them very responsibly. I rarely have to remind you to feed them, and you often build Lego constructions to put near the tank so they have something different to look at.

You’ve been taking more charge of our dog, too. He’s very big – he outweighs you by a good thirty pounds – but you are feeling more confident in your ability to manage him. We took him for a walk one afternoon and you said I think I’m mature enough to hold his leash now, mom and guess what? You were.

dog walk

He behaves better on leash for you, anyway.

You want to be an astrophysicist when you grow up. Specifically, a cross between Bob MacDonald and Neil DeGrasse Tyson. You like the idea of making your living explaining things to people. Every Saturday on our way home from your weekly art class, Quirks & Quarks is on CBC Radio, and you insist on listening. This past summer we vacationed in Toronto and Ottawa, and one of your favourite stops was the national aviation museum. The sections on space travel thrilled you to the core.


You’re frowning because this is your “Serious Chris Hadfield face”.

You have a very even-keeled personality. You love video games, board games, tabletop games, all kinds of games – and you rarely get upset if things don’t go your way. If you fall, you get back up. If you don’t catch the ball, you try again. You’ve taught yourself to climb reallllly high up the tree in our front yard. In just three short years you’ve gone from being terrified to get your face wet to heading into Swim Kids 4. You gamely went on the school skating trip even though you can’t skate. You always, always get back up again, no matter what. You don’t seem burdened by self-doubt, and you take risks, but not chances. I’ve never seen you try something dangerous, but you definitely push yourself to expand your comfort zone.

You are starting to show an interest in learning to cook. You’ve developed a more adventurous palate this year, too. You still won’t eat mushrooms – and I’m beginning to suspect you never will – but you love broccoli, spicy foods, cabbage & bean soup, and calamari. You’ve got a real sweet tooth, and for your birthday cake requested chocolate, with chocolate frosting, and Smarties all over it. And I want to put on the Smarties.

You sleep with a pink fuzzy blanket on your feet every night, under the sheet. You call the blanket “Stinky Pinky” and insist that you can’t drift off without the softness and extra weight.

You hate cleaning your room – what kid doesn’t, I suppose – although you love to see the finished job. You just get distracted, and most times I’ll send you off to clean it up only to find you an hour later, nothing actually done, but you putting the finishing touches on some new Lego design you’ve come up with. You always look slightly shame-faced when you’re caught, too.

You think farts are funny, but you love a good snuggle. You like to dress up in your fancy clothes, often wearing a bow tie to school, but I have to watch you like a hawk to make sure you brush your teeth properly. You’re a mass of contradictions but my easiest kid to please.

You are a bright ray of sunshine in our every day, and we love you so very much.

~ Mom

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