Posted by: Hannah | 06/25/2010

not tonight dear, I have a headache

Hubby is back at work now after six months at home, and the transition is… odd.  It’s nice in a lot of ways.  The house is more peaceful.  He has unrealistic expectations about the noise level young children operate at, and his favourite way to deal with that is by yelling at them to be quiet.  So since he’s gone back, overall it’s much quieter.  I’m not saying there’s no yelling – I’m not one of those “make good choices, sweetie” mommies, and probably never will be – but the energy level is down a notch or two because he isn’t ratcheting it up.

The house is cleaner, too.  I guess he must have been the one making all the mess.

By the end of the day though, I am BEAT.  Done in.  Exhausted.  Six months with another parent around means my stamina for dealing with the demands of two active boys is just gone.  It’s 8:19am and already we’ve had watercolour painting, colouring, breakfast, a story, finding Thing 1’s old preschool nametag, explaining to Thing 2 that yanking crayons right out of older brother’s hands while he’s physically in the act of colouring is not cool… I’ve also had to clean what I’m pretty sure was a smear of catshit off the hall carpet.  That was gross.  And I haven’t had my coffee yet, because I got in the habit of letting Hubby make it and I keep forgetting that I need to go do it myself.

And now suddenly they both want to get dressed.  They are very immediate, aren’t they, preschoolers?  As soon as they make a decision it’s like WHAMMO, right NOW woman, THIS MINUTE, MOVE YOUR ASS.  It drives me nuts.  I’m trying so hard to calm down, to take time, to not stress out about always hurrying – so the universe has given me two tiny type-A personalities with god complexes.  It’s a killer.


Since he’s gone back to work, we spend practically no time together.  He gets home just as dinner is hitting the table, so that’s the usual round of getting up and down five hundred times for milk, milk in a different glass, forks, spoons, second helpings, napkins.  Then supervising bike-riding in the driveway, doling out first aid (Thing 1 skinned both his knees last night, in separate incidents, in a ten minute time span.  I should buy stock in Band-Aid).  Playing with the dog so he doesn’t get depressed.  Having the nightly fight with Thing 2 about bath time, storytime, bedtime.  Five minutes of peace before I jump back up, clean the supper mess, try to get some work done, blogging without Hubby seeing what I’m doing because I’m still trying to keep this secret from him, and the whole time he’s trying to make conversation with me but it’s always about The Business of Running The Family and never about anything low-impact.

Then when I finally roll into bed at 11pm he wants sex.  And I am so tired, I feel like telling him to do what he needs to do as long as he doesn’t wake me up.


This is one of those transition times.  I know that.  In our relationship of nearly twelve years we’ve gone through dry spells, and will again.  I know there are people who in times of stress and bother want more intimacy, not less – but I am NOT one of those people.  When things are too hectic in my day-to-day life, sex starts to feel like one more chore on that mental list I keep in my head:

1. take garbage out

2. try to do one creative thing with Things each day

3. menu planning / grocery shopping

4. blowjob for hubby

5. laundry

You see?  It doesn’t mean that I don’t love him anymore, or that I am less attracted to him physically, or that our sex life is boring (although comfort = predictability, sometimes) – it just means I can’t turn off the little goading voice inside my head that’s constantly telling me I’ve got other things to do be doing, and when I finally do silence it all I want is sleep.

I know things will sort themselves out.  As this new routine becomes entrenched, I will remember how to manage by time in such a way that I’m not always rushing.  This too shall pass.

But in the meantime, is it wrong of me to wish Hubby perhaps found my boobs less appealing, if only for a week or two?



  1. i think it’s perfectly normal. i SHOULD think that. it’s how i feel in similar circumstances. and i’d wager that it’s how MOST women feel…

  2. Oh! I can relate to this SO MUCH. This whole post. Preschoolers ARE immediate, the whole dinner up-and-down, and also the loss of my mojo. Sometimes I feel like I have to write it down as something to do on a list. Not always…but often enough.

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