Posted by: Hannah | 10/09/2010

a Hallmark moment

Standing at the grocery store yesterday trying to pick out a “happy anniversary” card for hubby, and it dawned on me – either I don’t actually love him, or Hallmark has some really, really codependent people working for them.

Tomorrow (well, today actually – it’s 2:45am as I write this, because my allergies combined with Thing #2’s croup mean another sleepless night for me) is our six-year wedding anniversary.  We don’t ever make big plans or get big presents, but it’s become our tradition that every year we buy a couple of really nice steaks for consumption after the Things are asleep, a bottle of wine, perhaps a distinctly diet-unfriendly post-dinner nosh…

… and cards for each other.

The cards are getting to be a bit of thing – like, who can find the bestest card?  So far, I’m still the champ, mostly because my hubby is a real softie and gets all leaky-eyed very easily.  Every year he tries to make me emo and it just doesn’t happen, because I am Made Of Stone and stuff, and so our annual card exchange has become one of those silly inside jokes that relationships develop over time.  Like burp tennis.

Looking for The Card, I’m pretty sure I was scandalizing other people also in the card aisle.  (Mind you, those people were shopping for Thanksgiving cards.  I wasn’t really worried about the opinions of people who buy cards for Thanksgiving).  But as I pulled card after card out of the “anniversaries” section, snorting derisively and ramming them back into the display rack, I’m sure they were at that point mostly grateful that they weren’t A) me or B) married to me.

But I couldn’t help it.

Here’s the thing – I love my hubby very much.  We’re friends and partners.  We rely on each other.  He wishes we had more sex and I wish he had more patience with the kiddos, and I wish he would just mow the goddamn lawn already and he wishes I’d stop nagging him about the lawn because it’s a crop that grows without his intervention but by and large, we’re happy people.

This does not, in my mind, translate to:

Wherever life takes us, the light of your smile will forever be my morning sun

or

You are my best friend, the one I can tell everything to, my shoulder to cry on, my light

or

When I think of life without you, I realize all that I am, is because of you

And I couldn’t decide whether to laugh, vomit, or stage an intervention right there in the store.  Particularly since these little homilies were all filed under “Anniversary – For Him”.  The “Anniversary – For Her” cards were no less syrupy but they were distinctly less “I love you so much I’ll start cutting if you leave me”, and I don’t really think I need to point out how unbelievably fucking weird that is.

In the end I bought a card intended for a friend to buy for a couple, and crossed out the “you” and replaced it with “we”, because friends are allowed to say things like “you guys are really neat and well-suited, it’s nice that you’re married” instead of “do you think this pot is big enough for this pet rabbit I want to boil”.

To sum up – I love my hubby, but I do not think he is the best friend I can tell everything to (I can’t very well complain about him to his face, now can I?); he is not my morning sun because dear god, this hydrogen-bomb man will destroy us all!; and I can imagine my life without him and while it would be different, I’m sure I’d get by.  However, he gives me the remote every night; he rubs my back whenever I ask; he always remembers that I like to watch cheesy juvenile action movies on Fridays and he’s learned to like black olives on pizza because it just ain’t a pizza without them.

Suck on that, Hallmark.

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Responses

  1. We gave up on Hallmark cards years ago over similar issues (plus the cost). Cards are a big thing for us, too, but we pick the best $1 blank card we can find, and it’s more about what we write in it. Jag is awesome at this. I vary.

  2. Still snickering at “the light of your smile will forever be my morning sun”.

  3. HAH!

    I love this.

  4. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by hodgepodge, hodgepodge. hodgepodge said: new post: i don't know which marriages hallmark is celebrating, but mine ain't one of 'em. http://wp.me/pXlOX-2h […]

  5. Ooh, I love this! For the record, we don’t even get each other cards for our anniversary. We just go out for dinner, he buys me lots of wine and then we have drunken sex (well, drunken on my part, anyway.). THAT, my friend, is romance. In my books anyway.

    Was that over-sharing?

  6. this made me laugh….and feel so much more normal.

    here’s to normalcy…and happy late anniversary!


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