Posted by: Hannah | 11/12/2011

aw, you shouldn’t have

One of the little-discussed bonuses to regular blogging are the spam comments. I am frankly at a loss as to what purpose spambots serve; is there really anyone left on earth who reads something from a spambot and thinks “I am interested in that product or service, and will now click on this mysterious link full of random letters and numbers because this poorly-translated English is totally irresistible in its awesomeness”?

For every legitimate comment I receive, there is one spam comment filtered out. That’s a lot of crap. Most of them I never see. Some make it into the ‘spam’ folder and I can look at them before I consign them to oblivion forever. Whoever has designed the spambots apparently knows the value of compliments, because the language is almost always so over-the-top fawning that on days when I’m feeling a little blue, I will sometimes read the spam and pretend that real people actually wrote those things.*

A sampling (spelling, grammatical problems, typos, etc. reproduced as received):

1. Fantastic merchandisewithin you, manWe’ve bear in mindyour current productsprevious toalong withyou are simply also excellentMy partner and my spouse andIactuallytrulyjust similar to whatyou have acquired appropriate here,reallyincluding what precisel…

This was in response to my very short post saying I would be tackling NaBloPoMo. By “fantastic merchandise within [me]” I’m assuming they must mean the baby. Or else my giant brain. Or the 30 posts of sheer brilliance that would soon spring into the collective consciousness, fully-formed, like Athena from the brow of Zeus. And I’m guessing “your… products previous… along with you are simply also excellent” means my other kids are great, too. And me. I’m great. Heh.

2. Totally free a legal judgment… Terrific paintings! That is the type of info that should be shared across the netShame on Google for no longer positioning this publish higher! Come on over and talk over with my web site Thanks =…

I always wanted to be able to paint beautiful pictures. I thought I had no innate talent but apparently I do, and it’s all Google’s fault that no one has seen me actually paint something worth looking at. “Come on over and talk over with my web site” sounds like a come-on. I think the internet is coming on to me. And the internet is a lawyer who does pro-bono work for the artistic community. HAWT. Oh, internet: you had me at “totally free”.

3.  I offer the thoughts above as general inspiration but clearly you’ll find questions like the 1 you bring up where the most important thing will be working in honest good faith. I don? t know if best practices have emerged around such things as that, but I am sure that your job is clearly recognized as a fair game. Both boys and girls feel the impact of just a moment’s pleasure, for the rest with their lives.

This was in response to one of my dayhome posts. The day I wrote the post I was having an especially rough time; the kids were snaky for no good reason and I just wanted to do something more quiet and relaxing, like lion taming or bomb disposal. So when I read “both boys and girls feel the impact of just a moment’s pleasure, for the rest with their lives” I took it to mean the internet was judging me for secretly wishing they would all take four-hour simultaneous naps. Bonus points to the spambot though for using the correct form of “their”. I know actual live humans who can’t master that one.

4. Very nice post, ty

Huh. Well, you’re very welcome. Let’s see, what are you selling… (pauses to check sending domain) – “cheapkidssnowuggboots”. Not sure how the spambot connected a post complaining about how stupid Max & Ruby is to ugly, overpriced, trendy footware, but that is one of the mysteries of the internet.

5. I truly wanted to write down a quick remark to thank you for these pleasant secrets you are showing at this website. My time-consuming internet lookup has at the end been rewarded with really good know-how to go over with my contacts. I ‘d express that we readers actually are undoubtedly blessed to dwell in a fantastic community with many outstanding individuals with insightful concepts. I feel rather grateful to have used the web site and look forward to tons of more cool times reading here. Thank you once more for all the details.

*Blushes* Oh, internet. Of course I’ll marry you. I don’t know why my little post about the joys of Hallowe’en brought you such happiness, but I’m thrilled that you liked it so much. What product are you selling, little friend? (pauses to check domain) “Healthy Cholesterol Recipes?!?” On a post about collecting pillowcases full of candy from strangers. Internet. You don’t know me at all, do you?

*Not really. But I’ll bet there are people who do.

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Responses

  1. I love spam posts! This made to me a rope of happiness with which I will lasso your awesomeness.

    (also, SO WITH YOU on the ‘their’ thing).

    • Does the rope of happiness have soap attached? Because if it does, that would make a stellar stocking stuffer. 🙂


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