If it weren’t for Beck and her Twitter snark yesterday, I wouldn’t have a blog post today at all, because – and this is so meta – I’m already writing a segment of a guest post for… Beck. She’s like the Galen Weston of blogging.
But! She drew my attention to People magazine’s annual “Sexiest Man Alive” list. And you know what? It’s broken and all wrong. (Well, not *all* wrong. I do in fact agree with a couple of entries. But Idris Elba? Should have won. Was totally robbed by the musclebound Aryan lobby.)
In case you are not aware of the perfection that is Idris Elba, behold:
But People magazine already covered that. So, without further ado, and in no particular order my list of sexiest men. Alive OR dead. For serious. Because when scientists perfect both non-creepy robot butlers and time machines, I fully intend to have one of each.
OK, I realize that this actually is a picture of a blond, blue-eyed musclebound guy. But look at how craggy his face is. His face is not conventionally handsome. When he was cast as James Bond, one British writer called him “a potato with ears” and derided him as unsexy. Um, I disagree. I disagree so intensely that I fully intend to try and see the new Girl with the Dragon Tattoo in the theatre, even though the original is kind of Swedish torture-porn and I’ll probably need to leave the room during some of the more disturbing sequences.
Robert Downey Jr.
I searched for “images of RDJ” and came up one site that had over 8000 images. I am clearly not alone in this. Aside from the fact that he is smokin’ hot, he’s also a brilliant actor, has the ability to laugh at himself (and make others laugh too), has shown himself to be a flawed character and has redeemed himself without ever trying to make hay out of his past mistakes.
I realize that in person he can apparently be a bit of a dick. But here’s the thing. My formative years were spent in a very rural area, watching rough-edged men fixing cars, building houses, and jury-rigging god-knows-what while grunting. I find as I age, the slender nerdy poetry-reading types appeal to me less and less, and I yearn for a red-meat-eating man who enjoys home repair and kisses me like he means it. *sigh* Russell Crowe fits the bill nicely. Also, he’s a musician. I’m a sucker for a dude with a guitar.
Even the baby is awestruck. Oh, Liam. Your accent is divine. You are mutant-tall (which, despite the fact that I am really short, is a huge turn-on for me). You can be tender – see Love, Actually, which is only the single greatest movie about love ever, and was an incredibly powerful performance even before you were tragically widowed. You can also kick ass all over the place; you totally sold Taken, and even though it could have been a hot mess of a movie it wasn’t because you totally made us believe that you were out there saving your daughter. You were the only good thing about The Phantom Menace. And your laugh is fantastic.
I first encountered Alan Rickman when I went to see Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. I totally had the hots for Kevin Costner at the time. Also Christian Slater. I came out of the movie spurning Kevin forever and burning with curiousity about the sexy man who played the Sheriff of Nottingham. This being before the internet, it was years before I got a full appreciation of the depth of his work and his hotness, which just gets more extreme every year. No small part of it is his voice; I said on Twitter yesterday that it sounds like caramel tastes. I would pay money to listen to him read his grocery list.
This is where that time machine will come in handy. Now, one of the sexiest things about Gene Kelly, frankly, is his ass, which is just as tight as you would expect an athletic dancer’s to be. But since I really didn’t want to Google “Gene Kelly’s ass”, and also since the rest of him is equally pleasing, you’ll just have to trust me on this. Or go watch any of his movies. You won’t be sorry. He’s just flat-out delightful; funny, loving, strong, and incredibly talented. Possibly one of the most masculine dancers the world has ever spat out. He pioneered the new “American” dance style, and continually pushed the boundaries of the movie musical. Did I mention he could sing, too?
Now, before you start laughing, hear me out. As a kid, I would sometimes develop crushes on characters in books. They were so real to me that knowing they were completely invented didn’t actually deter me. And Almanzo Wilder was a real man, who really lived once. As a pre-teen it never dawned on me that Laura Ingalls was only 15 when the 23 year old Almanzo first fell for her; he just seemed so wonderful. Kind to animals. A hard worker. A secret romantic; after all, when Laura gave him one of her name cards he kept it in his pocket, amirite? And a hero to boot, what with the whole galloping off into the white wastes to bring back wheat for the starving town during the Hard Winter. So imagine my shock just this week when I found out that he actually quite the looker, too. He immediately went on my time-machine list.
I will just say this: the first time I saw the video for Need You Tonight, it brought on puberty. Start watching around one minute in (because at first and inexplicably he is holding a pet rat, which is NOT SEXY AT ALL) and ignore the other band members. He looks right at the camera. His voice makes me feel feelings, even now.
Back to folks that I don’t need to rearrange the space-time continuum for. Patrick Stewart. What can I say. Loved him on Star Trek: The Next Generation. (In any of those silly Kirk-or-Picard discussions, I’m Team Picard all the way. He can quote Shakespeare. But also brawl when he needs to. Brains + Brawn = Sexy Times). He’s also doing some freakin’ hilarious voice work on American Dad, a show that I know offends some sensibilities but honestly, his role as Deputy CIA Director Avery Bullock is subversive and clever. Episodes where he shows up are always keepers.
I know I’ve forgotten some, and I’m sure you’ll name some in the comments that will make me go “shit, she’s right!” *headdesk* But I do still have to write that other post. So I call enough. Who did I miss? Who misses you? And do any of these make you go hmm, like in the old C&C Music Factory song?