Posted by: Hannah | 12/17/2011

old wives’ tales

Alright, I know I’m not actually at my due date yet.

But I am 37 weeks as of yesterday and as far as I’m concerned, that means AM DONE, NO MORES PREGNANT PLZ.

Every time I cough or laugh too hard, I pee. I am the only person on earth who reacts to something funny by running to the bathroom and then cackling hysterically while perched on the toilet for the 700th time that day.

Every time I stand up, I can feel the baby’s head pressing against my cervix. This is so disconcerting that I’m tempted to try something my sister read about online when she was pregnant with her second; namely, to aim both a flashlight and a speaker squarely at my hoo-hoo, hoping to entice the little bugger to swim toward the light and pretty music.

I’m throwing up more now than I did in the first trimester. It’s delightful.

Most nights I sleep for at least a few hours upright in my recliner because lying in bed is just not comfortable any more.

Mercifully, I did not get all puffy and water-retainey this time (as I did with my two other pregnancies, ye gods, I was like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man) – but it’s starting to happen now. My toes look like little fat shrimps. And I need to roll my socks down over my feet to keep from getting those icky sock-lines around my cankles.

I’m getting very clumsy. I fell down some stairs yesterday (I’m OK). I keep stubbing my toes on things.

It’s hard to drive because in order to reach the pedals with my short legs I have to pull the seat so far forward that my belly is actually touching the steering wheel (I’m thinking this falls under the heading of ‘not safe ever’).

And most important, we are all so anxious to meet this last little person in our family. I actually miss this baby I’ve never met. I don’t recall feeling quite like this with the boys; in the case of Harry I was a scared first-timer, and in the case of Ron I knew it would come out eventually. (Besides, he was born at 37.5 weeks. GOOD BOY.)

So today I took to the internet in the hopes of finding some natural ways to give the baby a bit of a shove. Even if they don’t work, at least trying them out will distract me.

If you’re looking for me, I will be in a tub full of hot water, eating pineapples and chili peppers, drinking raspberry-leaf tea that I’ve made with red wine instead of water, and visualizing my cervix opening while Hubs vigorously rolls my nipples around.

The internet, it’s a strange and wondrous place.



  1. I love my babies, but I hate pregnancy so very much. You have all my sympathy.

    • Thank you. I also hate being pregnant. When I hear women say “oh, I LOVE being pregnant!” I just want to, I dunno, trip them or something.

  2. People who like being pregnant baffle me.
    You probably are not up for it, but a LONG, LONG walk might get the ball rolling. A friend once was at 37 weeks ( and so very done) and I had a cranky baby who would only nap while being pushed in a stroller. So we took him for an hour and a half nap. She went into labour less than 24 hours later. Might just be coincidence but she swears that is what did it.

    • Since my poor neglected dog has been staring at me with sad “why don’t love me” eyes lately, and it is a crisp cold morning with just a little snow down, a walk might be just what the doctor ordered. (And I’m so glad I’m not the only one who hates being pregnant. I always feel like I’m letting down the side when I admit that.)

  3. At the risk of being stoned or snubbed, I really did love being pregnant. Something about people constantly urging me to eat and holding doors for me is very lovely. BUT I was on bedrest for a few weeks at the end of my pregnancy because I was gigantic and had pre-eclampsia. Probably too much eating. Anyhoo, people always say SEX and I would be like “WTF. I do not even want to be touched, let alone touched THERE.” I don’t have any good advice. Also, I was on bedrest and so I wasn’t really supposed to have sex or be on my feet for more than 10 minutes…I don’t even know why I’m leaving a comment. I’m the least helpful person ever here.

    • I shan’t stone or snub you. But yes, I am baffled by people who love being pregnant – however since you aren’t patting my tummy at the grocery store and going on and on about how ‘magical’ it all is, I forgive you. 🙂

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