Posted by: Hannah | 05/02/2012

stupid things that make me crazy

Baby G is on a schedule now. A solid one that doesn’t change much. But before you get excited, here’s the schedule:

6AM – wake up for the day

615AM – poop all the poops after fifteen minutes of complaining, demanding his copy of Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, etc.

730AM – eat eat eat eat eat

9AM – nap. new this week – nap NOT TOUCHING MAMA.

10AM – get up. eat some more.

noon-ish – nap # 2


3PM – again with the eating, followed by a fitful nap in the Moby

4PM – 6PM – fussfussfussfusseatfussfussfusseat

6PM – bathtime, in which there is much kicking and splashing on his part, and much pondering the logistics of having a baby who lives in a bathtub because this is without question his happiest time of the day.

630PM – 730PM – swaddle, yell, eat, yell, bouncebouncebounce…

730PM – 11PM – asleep in bed. usually.

11PM – dreamfeed. blissful for all concerned.

1:30AM – eat while still asleep. not so bad.

3AM – 5AM – HI MAMA IT IS MORNING TIME NOW I AM AWAKE SO AWAKE AND ALSO VERY VERY HUNGRY BUT ONLY FOR SNACK-SIZED PORTIONS. two hours of cluster-feeding interspersed with leg kicking and arm flailing.

5AM – 6AM – sleep. maybe. but only if held upright on the sofa for some reason.

Did you catch that last bit? The bit that is two solid hours of non-sleeping cluster feeding every single night, followed by an hour of sleeping-but-not-really? Yeah. I’ve basically started my day at 3AM for the last two or three weeks and I am so tired and irritable that yesterday I told the kids 15 minus four is nine, and all kinds of totally unreasonable and stupid shit is making me angry all out of proportion.

So! Welcome to my four-months-post-partum list of Stupid Things That Make Me Crazy.

  1. Toddlers bringing me boogers. And cat hair. And individual crumbs. And rocks.
  2. Pinching baby-fingers on my boobs.
  3. Car commercials. It’s a car. It’s not a steel & plastic Envelope of Awesome.
  4. Stores that sell out of goddamn children’s raincoats in April when there was still snow on the ground in March.
  5. People on the internet who appoint themselves as moral judges that look down on us all – even when we’re complaining about something no one likes, such as mosquitoes, telemarketers, or Rush Limbaugh’s opinion of women.
  6. SPF-a-million sunscreen. It needs to protect us from UVA & UVB, not a neutron bomb.
  7. Idiotic school projects that sound fun on paper but are a giant pain in the ass in real life. You call it ‘bringing in found or recycled materials to build an invention’. I call it ‘sending my kid on the school bus with a bag of garbage’.
  8. Mother’s Day. Also Father’s Day.
  9. Kardashians.
  10. People who approach me when I’m out with my family and go on and on at length about other families they knew of with three boys, and how the parents ended up divorced / in jail / dead.
  11. People who talk to my older boys, then look at me and mouth the words “so SMART!” while making ridiculous faces. Yup, they are. Smart enough to know what you’re saying right now. Either say it to them or STFU.
  12. Teenaged swimming instructors who have no rapport with preschoolers and yet are teaching a class full of them.
  13. Jackasses who claimed not to know that chocolate paste is not a health food.
  14. People who don’t acknowledge emails, even with a simple “got it, thanks”.
  15. Grouchy people. Myself included. I hate it when I’m like this.

What about you? What silly things make you want to slap the stupid out of someone?




  1. You have no idea how much I needed to read this!!
    My baby is turning 18 in two weeks, and I have been swamped with nostalgia for his baby days.
    This was a perfect reminder of the parts that I had forgotten with the years.

  2. Oh god, I love this list. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I hate all those things too. Although I *do* use that SPF a million sunscreen, and yet I don’t know why. Intellectually I know that SPF 60 on a sunny day in CALGARY is probably overkill. But yet. I still slather that sonofabitch on.

  3. Oh Hannah – that is complete BALLS. Call me and stick His Baby Lordship on the phone – we will figure some shit out.

    I remember one book club meeting where I was sitting in the corner feeling bitchy about every single one of these women – who I love – and then concluded with wishing I could get away from the bitch in the corner. However, I think you’re more than entitled to a little bitter bitchery at the moment.

  4. #2 had me LMAO. So true!

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