Posted by: Hannah | 05/16/2012

50 Shades of bloody awful – pt 3

I should have thought  more carefully about this endeavour before I decided to write my review / recap in three parts. Because book 3, Fifty Shades Free, is just more of the same. Only with less sex.

What the what? I hear you saying. Isn’t this trilogy only famous because it’s *shudder* mommyp0rn?

Yeah. I was surprised too. Apparently being IN LURVE totes destroys Christian’s desire for “kinky fuckery”, because while there are a few scenes (more on that in a minute) this book is all about Teaching The Damaged Billionaire To Love Again. Also, it’s a mystery novel because Ana’s old boss Jack is still trying to punish them all, and there is some kind of connection between Jack and Christian but we don’t know what it is.

The book opens with Ana & Christian sprawled in the Mediterranean sun drinking cocktails, enjoying their honeymoon, and calling each other “Mr. Grey” and “Mrs. Grey” so often I want to slap them both. They act like teenagers who ran away to Vegas and got married. It’s nauseating. But not as nauseating as the fact that Mrs. Grey wants to get down like the locals and sunbathe topless like everyone else is doing. Mr. Grey sternly forbids such carryings-on because he is very much uncool with the locals seeing his wife’s boobs, and then he leaves her alone for a while, so naturally because she is a mature adult woman and not a thinly-disguised version of Twilight’s whiny teenager Bella, Mrs. Grey strips off her top and falls asleep.

This leads to him ‘punishing’ her aboard his gigantic yacht – in earshot of the crew, presumably, because you can’t sail a boat like that single-handed, especially if you’re taking breaks to sunbathe and have sex with your wife. He handcuffs her, and they have some Great Sex, and then he gets all remorseful and cries a lot because the cuffs leave bruises. Um, what? (Oh, right, I expect at this point in Twilight Edward would be having some guilt about biting Bella, or something? This is getting more contrived by the minute.)

words words words self-doubt self-loathing words words words HOLY SHIT ANA’S PREGNANT.

How? says angry controlling husband who “doesn’t want to share” her with anyone, not her friends, not her family, and certainly not some stupid baby that turns up on a non-vaginal ultrasound at five weeks gestation which is impossible, right? Turns out she is so busy with her job and catering to his every whim that she forgot to schedule the second Depo-Provera shot even with Seattle’s Best OB-GYN calling her repeatedly to remind her.

Aside: I think this whole business of an OB-GYN being available 24 hours a day to deal with birth control for a clinically stupid 22 year old may be some user-pay medical system jealousy on the part of British EL James. Hating on the National Health for some reason, EL?

So Christian freaks the fuck out because vampire/human babies are dangerous he’s too damaged to be a father, and he says some mean things, and she gets her accidentally-knocked-up panties in a bunch and leaves him. Again.

The whole rest of the book, I swear to god, is Ana talking to her baby (she calls it “the Blip”) and trying to figure out if she wants be with Christian, or not. Oh, and then her old boss kidnaps her sister-in-law and blackmails Ana for $5 million (a pitifully small amount when you consider that Christian is a billionaire) and there’s some not-very-suspenseful suspense. We also find out that Jack and Christian were in the same foster home once upon a time, which is just a weird detail and lets EL James bring up the tortured childhood angle yet again. Anyway, Ana goes all Bourne Identity on her boss’ ass and all’s well that ends well.

The final chapter is an epilogue of sorts where we meet the Blip – now a two year old – and we find out that Ana is pregnant again because I guess she still hasn’t figured out that whole contraception thing. Oh, and she made Christian visit the grave of his birth mother the ‘crack whore’, but he draws the line at naming their unborn daughter after her, choosing the name “Phoebe” instead of the very pretty “Elle”.

THERE. ALL DONE.

Truly, having read them now, I am completely baffled as to their popularity. I like a good popcorny read now and again, but this trilogy doesn’t even qualify as that. It was boring, badly-written, inexpertly plotted, and so predictable & stupid I had guessed on all major plot “twists” long before they happened.

They are so bad that I daresay even the actual Twilight books might be better.

 

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Responses

  1. Twilight WAS better. These were ugh. But then, you knew I’d say that.

  2. These were brilliant. The book reviews, that is. The books themselves sound awfully awful. Thanks very much for saving me some time, and for amusing me by writing these posts.

  3. a) I sunbathed topless in the Mediterranean once and it was not as fun as I thought it would be

    b) these books sound fucked up

    c) I am not going to read them.

    d) your reviews are awesome and very funny

    e) what is wrong with people?

    f) am I a cultural elitist? But I did enjoy Lipstick Jungle.

  4. Cultural elitists unite!

  5. You have my respect for being willing an able to read this crap. There is no way in hell I would do it. No way.

  6. My undying respect for actually reading these. There is no way in hell I would. Word.

  7. I think that if I could figure out the formula that makes drek like this popular, I’d be a billionaire stat.

  8. The Twilight books were fine – entertaining plot, and she could write a sentence. The thing is, maybe you could be called a cultural elitist for saying these are crap WITHOUT reading them. But the fact that you read them means you get to have an opinion. Suck on that, Jian.

  9. I have a friend who got totally sucked into these. Smart lady, doesn’t usually. She did say, “the writing is crap but the plot is really good.” But she didn’t read Twilight. And I did.

    🙂

  10. […] as Christian Grey in the movie adaptations of the truly dreadful ”50 Shades of Grey” series. I am on board with this; he’s attractive enough I suppose, and casting him means that no […]

  11. […] at all was the Fifty Shades trilogy. You can read more about how much I hated them here, here, and here. Those were three of my most popular posts in 2012, by the way. I don’t know much about SEO […]

  12. […] written before about my feelings regarding the inexplicably popular 50 Shades trilogy. Not only do I think they’re […]

  13. […] 50 Shades Freed – when my hatred crossed over from “jesus this is stupid” to “hol… […]

  14. […] I will recap. I may not recap the whole entire book, chapter by chapter, because there are only so many ways I can say “this book is terrible and no one should ever read it, ever, and also no one’s penis is a separate sentient being that lives in the pants of men, stop doing that”. But I will try! For you guys! Because I love you. If you want to catch up on my reviews of the original trilogy, you can find them here, here, and here. […]


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