Posted by: Hannah | 08/23/2012

’til death do us part

We were THAT family on Saturday.

You know, that family who has many kids and takes them to a wedding?

Yeah. Us.

My brother’s best friend from school got married. He’s a lovable goofball, this guy. We call him “Patrick Kelso”, after Spongebob’s friend Patrick Starfish and Ashton Kutcher’s character from That 70s Show. Patrick always loved our whole family, even going so far as to calling us girls his sisters. He’s just a genuinely nice, friendly guy who likes heavy metal and only just sold his restored TransAm.

When he got engaged we were all thrilled for him, because his girlfriend is a perfect match. Then we all got invited to the wedding and that was awesome too.

But there we were, on a sunny Saturday afternoon in August, with three kids under 8. At an outdoor ceremony. The temperature was a blistering 31 degrees Celsius. There was no shade. There was no breeze. The ceremony started a half-hour late.

And for the first time all summer, I’d forgotten to slather the kids with sunscreen.

Somehow we escaped without sunburns. But we couldn’t hear a thing, and the kids were bored stiff, and all in all it was kind of a bust.

There was then a scheduled break until 5:30 for pictures. We went back to my parents’ (AIR CONDITIONED YEEHAW) house for a break. Baby G had a short, late nap. We figured he’d be able to stay fresh until 8PM or so – an hour past his usual bedtime, but with the late nap we figured we could just about manage to get through dinner and maybe see the first dance.

Back to the hotel. Sitting in our places. 5:30 came and went. So did 6 and 6:30 and 7 and HOLY HELL DID THEY ALL FALL IN THE OCEAN AND DROWN??!?!?

Finally, at 7:30, they came in. And the no doubt extremely stressed-out and pissed-off hotel caterers started delivering food. Our table – the one with four kids at it, because my niece Monkey was there, too – was served last.

For those keeping score at home, that means the projected meltdown time for Baby G happened as the food was hitting the table.


We got through dinner largely by giving Baby G bites of absolutely everything, in far larger quantities than we normally would. We even made it through the speeches – the best two were first, and then there were OMG HOW MANY SPEECHES?? Every member of the wedding party was given the microphone. And then the groom’s dad. And then the bride’s mom. And then the bride’s dad. And then a minister who was there ‘representing’ the one who had done the actual ceremony.

Pro tip: No one wants to listen to the same tired wedding-related platitudes eleven times. NO ONE. Two speeches. Three, max. And then MOVE ALONG OMG.

We didn’t get to see the cake getting cut. We didn’t get to see even one dance. We had to take our very well-behaved but increasingly bored & fractious children and drive the hour back to Halifax.

I love weddings, normally. Most of my friends punked out on me and got married in Jamaica, so I don’t get invited to nearly enough of the things, but I love weddings.

Next time, however, I’m finding a sitter and leaving the poor children at home.




  1. If your kids got that far without a meltdown, they did SUPREMELY WELL. Wow. What an ordeal.

    I used to take my kids to weddings, too, when they were welcome. They honestly enjoyed them, and given it was a treat to attend a wedding and misbehaviour meant we would leave, they were well-behaved.

    The next wedding I’ll be attending? Next June. I’ll be the Mother of the Bride. (Squeeee! *sniff* Squeeee!)

  2. […] wrote about a wedding she attended recently, so of course I started thinking about Weddings I Have Attended. There have been lovely weddings, […]

  3. Wow, never mind the kids *I* would be having a meltdown. I’m just going to say it: brides and grooms can be assholes, although it’s THEIR day so it’s okay but still. I remember going to this wedding in a crappy little town in SK, with a toonie bar in this crappy little gymnasium in the crappy little community hall, and the bride and groom, who had gone to the nearest “city” to get photographs, showed up over an hour late because they all went to the bar to get drunk. I WAS SOME ANNOYED. And I didn’t even have kids!

    Your kids deserve a medal, or some kick-ass ice cream!

  4. Ha, took Owl to a wedding recently, too. PH played babysitter and took him well out of range of the ceremony when he started to fuss for milk! He basically missed the wedding, but I had a good time :-p

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