Posted by: Hannah | 10/29/2012

stop wrecking Hallowe’en. seriously.

Alright, that’s IT.

People are trying to ruin Hallowe’en, and I’m not having it.

Hallowe’en used to be the best night of the childhood calendar – better than Christmas Eve, or Easter, or even your birthday. Hallowe’en! When you can stay up late and prowl the neighbourhood, finally be a knight or a princess or a (non-sparkly) vampire, mess around in pumpkin guts and eat your weight in candy and, if you’re lucky, sucker your younger siblings into trading delicious Fuzzy Peaches for something horrible, like candy kisses.

This is what the bad children get when they go trick or treating in hell.

I’ve seen several articles today where holier-than-thou mommies (it’s never dads, is it?) wax rhapsodic about how their precious children will not be permitted to keep 90% of the candy they spent time carefully collecting. In the night, the “Hallowe’en Fairy” will take most of it, and leave behind a toy. Because Diabetes! Tooth Decay! FAT CHILDREN OMG!!! And also, because those moms like to feel superior to you, you horrible person that lets your child gorge.

Aside: This does NOT apply to children with allergies or diabetes, clearly. If those kids want the fun of trick or treating even though they KNOW they will be swapping out the candy for a toy later, that’s a completely different ballgame. Also, I’d bet all of the tiny Mars bars that those children don’t need a bullshit story about the Hallowe’en Fairy.

If you don’t want your kid getting an assload of candy, don’t take them all over the neighbourhood trick or treating. Simple. You only want them to have a little candy? Take them to a few houses and then go home. I’m serious. People who complain about their kid having a ‘giant bag of candy’ that then needs to be confiscated? DON’T GO TO SO MANY HOUSES.

And! Sexy costumes are also assholes all the way down. I don’t know when Hallowe’en became about girls in university getting legless drunk while dressed as a Sexy Orthodonist – probably around the time when Facebook made the duck-face photo a horrible, sad rite of passage – but I haven’t dressed up in years because I don’t want to be a sexy anything while I’m passing out candy. Delicious, delicious candy. At the Family Hallowe’en Dance, I see one too many moms dressed as sexy witches / vampires / hookers (possibly), and it’s sad. And degrading. And means I have to explain to my kid why that witch over there has giant boobs. (“It’s to tempt you to a life of devil worship and SIN, my son!”)

Of course these sexy costumes are sized for smaller and smaller people all the time, including very young girls, and it’s just one more sign of the over-sexualized culture we live in. Whatever happened to throwing a sheet over your head and going as a ghost? Yeesh.

And! Jesusween! JUST WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, PEOPLE. Jesusween was started last year by a pastor who was horrified by how people were forgetting about Our Lord and Saviour, the sweet baby Jesus, while dressing up as demons, werewolves and vampires in order to extort candy from their neighbours. So he started a movement – you can even make online donations, praise the Lord! – to encourage people to hand out Christian tracts and Bibles at Hallowe’en, instead of candy. “It’s so easy!” says the Jesusween website, “You just drop the Bible into the open bag and smile!”

You want to practice Christianity or voodoo, I don’t care. But if you put a Bible or religious literature into my elementary-school-aged child’s hands without my permission when you are supposed to be doling out Tootsie Roll Pops, shit is going to get real in a hurry. I’ve never TP’d a house in my life, BUT I COULD CERTAINLY START.

You find Hallowe’en offensive or against your beliefs? Fine – don’t participate. Stay home, turn off your porch light, don’t put out a jack o’lantern. End of discussion. Do your proselytizing / outreach / whatever you want to call it some other time.

And! Trunk or treating! Oh, trunk or treating. This is for neighbourhoods where the parents are so convinced that behind every door is a Stranger Bent On Abducting Their Child that they’ve decided regular old trick or treating is just too dangerous. You know, because even though the activity is supervised, and the only documented case of a child eating poisoned Hallowe’en candy it was his father who put the arsenic in (it’s true, look it up)… well, despite all that going door to door in one’s own neighbourhood is SCARY and WRONG, so instead the in-crowd get together in a parking lot, fill their trunks with candy, and let the kids go car to car.

Wow. WOW.

See, for me, going door to door is one of the joys of living in a neighbourhood. When we first moved here, we didn’t meet many of our neighbours until Hallowe’en night – it was the first chance we had to see who we lived near, and their first chance to see our young family. As the years have passed, they’ve seen our family grow. It’s an important part of our community – and even though I know some of our neighbours are perhaps not going to get an invite to our annual Canada Day barbeque anytime soon, I never doubt for a minute that they love Hallowe’en and would never do anything to harm our children.

And the last thing that is ruining Hallowe’en?

Zombie babies.

I will not post a picture because they are that disturbing to me – here’s a link if you want to see them but I wouldn’t click it, if I were you.

These horrible range in price from $20 for the zombie baby puppet all the way up to $80 for the zombie baby in a Bjorn-like front carrier. It’s fucking sick, and not fun, and that’s all I have to say about that except that some horror is part of the day, but some things just go too goddamn far.

Whew.

All right, that was a lot of shouty-caps, but it’s been a long month and I’m annoyed.

What about you? Does anything about Hallowe’en grind your gears?

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Responses

  1. SO much love for this post. YES. Yes to it all! Also I love Fuzzy Peaches. And Sour Patch kids. Mmm. Artificial fruit flavour with sour sugary stuff.

    I also kind of hate that mall trick or treating thing. But I say that quietly.

    • Yes! The mall trick or treating thing, I do not get.

  2. Oh! And we all know the kid who is never allowed candy, etc., who ends up GORGING at every opportunity when his/her mom is not looking.

  3. Sadly halloween here is pretty much just an adult’s slutty-costumed drinking holiday. We used to live in an area with a fair number of children and we’d get maybe two trick or treaters a night. It was never really a children’s holiday. But on the plus side, next week we get Bonfire Night which has remained a great night for kids with no slutty drinkage in sight!

    • That’s sad – maybe we imported your Hallowe’en across the pond, or something?

  4. Halloween was HUGE when I was growing up! I remember the village streets being packed with kids (and parents!) ToT’ing. There was one house that would do a haunted yard and each year it got bigger and better…My town now is similar to that and I like it! We had our annual Halloween parade (on a SUNDAY, no less) and are hoping the rain/wind from Sandy clears out in time for “real” ToT’ing. I hate Debbie Downers no matter what, but especially at a holiday.

    • Yup, here, too. We lived in a sparsely-populated rural area so our regular route – that only comprised about a dozen houses or so – involved a car and a 2km round trip. Our last stop was always my grandparents’ house, where we’d sack out on the braided rug in front of the TV, dump our bags, and do the all-important candy inventory & swap.

  5. I know I live in a backwater, but I don’t know anyone who does the buy-back or the Halloween Fairy except for one person on Twitter whose child has gluten allergies. Ditto for the slutty costumes — I see them online, but nowhere else. So I’m going to pretend these things are merely myths. LALALALALALA. I don’t care what you say — these things aren’t real. Except for the zombie babies, those are funny.

    • I *personally* don’t know anyone who does the Hallowe’en Fairy but I do know people who do both the buy-back and the swap-for-a-toy. Not many! But some. Grrr.

  6. I have another confession. I am a Halloween Candy Kiss Lover!

    • So they do exist! I always thought people who liked candy kisses were mythological creatures, like unicorns. 🙂

  7. The Halloween candy kisses, forgot all about those! Those were always the last things left at the bottom of the bag weeks after all the other treats were gone. From looking at the picture, I guess they still use the exact same wrappers, too. Still ate them, though (again, after all the good stuff was gone).

    • I couldn’t make myself eat them, even long after everything else was gone. Ack. This year, the boys didn’t get a single one. Or any raisins. Just candy. Oh, to be a kid again.


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