People magazine came out with their annual “Sexiest Man Alive” issue this week.
As usual, I am questioning what on earth they were thinking. Really. Some of the men on the list are indeed sexy, but so many much, much sexier men are currently alive. It’s just a very narrow list, with – I’m sorry, I’m going to say it – one token black man to leaven the whitey whiteness.
And while Denzel Washington is nice and all, what of Idris Elba?
Last year, I wrote my own list of sexy men. I stand by my choices. This year, I’m taking a slightly different tack.
I spend my days with a herd of small children, and my own lovely husband occasionally pitches in. Just yesterday he came home from work and let the two babies crawl all over him with their sticky fingers and runny noses. A friend of mine once said that her husband told her “competence is sexy” and it’s true.
See? This is Hugh Jackman being all adorable with his daughter, Ava:
A handsome man being good with kids is like catnip. IT JUST IS, DEAL WITH IT.
So, with this in mind, I will comment on the 12 Sexiest Men, with specific reference to whether or not they would be any damn use to me in the dayhome. I’m not going to address the various additional lists offered (the United States of Sexy? WHAT OF CANADA, YOU BASTARDS??!? WE GAVE YOU RYANS GOSLING AND REYNOLDS!!!) because, well, Tom Brokaw? I suppose he would be a good grandad. He seems nice.
This year’s winner: Channing Tatum.
Now, a lot of my friends are horrified at this choice – one in particular said “too much beef, not enough cake” – but I am hereby admitting that I do find Channing Tatum very attractive. I first saw him in The Eagle and, well, I swooned. Then I saw him interviewed a few times, and he’s very funny – he knows he is made of beef, so he just embraces it (but not in an obnoxious way). Also, 21 Jump Street was hilarious, and I was prepared to hate it, but his performance saved it.
I suspect he would be quite useful in the dayhome. He seems like the kind of guy who would cheerfully build block towers or play trains. He’s also very strong, so I’ll bet he can give a wicked backrub. Or footrub.
If you watch The Voice on NBC, you will know who Blake Shelton is. Or if you like country music, I suppose. I was quite fond of him on The Voice; something about his good ol’ boy sweatervest look appealed to me, and he was unfailingly kind to all of the singers.
So I followed him on Twitter, and oh lord, how the shine tarnished in a hurry. ALL of his tweets – ALL OF THEM – are grammatically-incorrect poorly-spelled odes to getting really drunk and making fun of people. Turns out he really is a redneck, he doesn’t just play one on TV.
In the dayhome he would be useless, unless I could keep him sober long enough to lead a sing-a-long. Drunk daddies are not fun daddies! I suppose he could maybe mix me a drink at the end of the day, although I suspect he is strictly a beer man, and that asking him for a nice appletini would just result in disappointment.
Oh, Chris Hemsworth. *fans self* Oh dearie me. He is just legitimately a sexy, sexy man. What can I say? There is not one thing I would change about him other than the fact that he doesn’t live in my house. I’ve heard directly from an actual source that his parents are lovely people and that he and his siblings were raised right. Plus he has an Australian accent.
In the dayhome he would be my go-to guy for squishing bugs, because being from Australia – the land where all the flora and fauna are trying to kill you – I’m sure he wouldn’t be fazed by non-poisonous spiders, large flies, or cellarbugs. Plus, he is Thor, which would be a great help when the gang are playing The Avengers, which they frequently do.
I have no idea who this is. I’ve never watched The New Girl because hipsters give me hives. All I know about this guy is that he rolls up his jean cuffs like a six year old and, apparently, eschews socks.
As a helper to me he would be no help at all. This line of work is dirty – poo, boogers, drool, crumbs. I suspect he would spend much of the day cringing in horror and tweeting obsessively on his iPhone5.
I have had an enormous crush on Ben Affleck since Dazed and Confused, even though he plays a horrible jackwad in that movie. Love him in everything. And as he ages, he just gets better-looking. He is rocking 40 years old. Yes, I know as a nation we’re all supposed to be mad at him for making Argo about the Americans and not at all about the Canadians – which, agree, dick move – but everyone’s allowed to have one mistake in their life. OK, two *coughJLocough*.
Having him visit the dayhome would be like having Michael home for the day. Affleck is a dad and he loves those kids, it’s plain to see. He & Jennifer Garner are probably my favourite celebrity couple, and I very much doubt their kids will ever grow up to be, say, Lindsay Lohan. I’ll bet he’d even change diapers if asked.
What. The. Actual. Fuck. Richard Gere? Richard Gere???!!!???
First of all, I just cannot see Richard Gere anymore without thinking of gerbils. Also, he’s a bit of a dick about both vegetarianism and Buddhism, and yet his stated goal to avoid cruelty did not stop him from singing in Chicago. And isn’t he a has-been?
I can’t imagine what use he would be in the dayhome, I really can’t. He’s old enough to be their grandfather but doesn’t look like the grandfatherly type. Those beaded bracelets of his are a choking hazard. His hair would get messed up when loaded up the stroller and went for a walk. All in all, this is a completely wasted entry. Clearly, People’s demographic is getting older.
This post is turning out really long, so stay tuned for Part 2, coming tomorrow.