Posted by: Hannah | 11/16/2012

sexy man-helpers are sexy

People magazine came out with their annual “Sexiest Man Alive” issue this week.

As usual, I am questioning what on earth they were thinking. Really. Some of the men on the list are indeed sexy, but so many much, much sexier men are currently alive. It’s just a very narrow list, with – I’m sorry, I’m going to say it – one token black man to leaven the whitey whiteness.

And while Denzel Washington is nice and all, what of Idris Elba?

I’m just going to keep suggesting him until People gets the hint.

Last year, I wrote my own list of sexy men. I stand by my choices. This year, I’m taking a slightly different tack.

I spend my days with a herd of small children, and my own lovely husband occasionally pitches in. Just yesterday he came home from work and let the two babies crawl all over him with their sticky fingers and runny noses. A friend of mine once said that her husband told her “competence is sexy” and it’s true.

See? This is Hugh Jackman being all adorable with his daughter, Ava:

Hugh Jackman, being all ‘involved’ and ‘hawt’.

A handsome man being good with kids is like catnip. IT JUST IS, DEAL WITH IT.

So, with this in mind, I will comment on the 12 Sexiest Men, with specific reference to whether or not they would be any damn use to me in the dayhome. I’m not going to address the various additional lists offered (the United States of Sexy? WHAT OF CANADA, YOU BASTARDS??!? WE GAVE YOU RYANS GOSLING AND REYNOLDS!!!) because, well, Tom Brokaw? I suppose he would be a good grandad. He seems nice.

***

Channing Tatum. Look at his arms. LOOK AT THEM.

This year’s winner: Channing Tatum.

Now, a lot of my friends are horrified at this choice – one in particular said “too much beef, not enough cake” – but I am hereby admitting that I do find Channing Tatum very attractive. I first saw him in The Eagle and, well, I swooned. Then I saw him interviewed a few times, and he’s very funny – he knows he is made of beef, so he just embraces it (but not in an obnoxious way). Also, 21 Jump Street was hilarious, and I was prepared to hate it, but his performance saved it.

I suspect he would be quite useful in the dayhome. He seems like the kind of guy who would cheerfully build block towers or play trains. He’s also very strong, so I’ll bet he can give a wicked backrub. Or footrub.

Blake Shelton, putting his damn feet on the table. Pet peeve.

If you watch The Voice on NBC, you will know who Blake Shelton is. Or if you like country music, I suppose. I was quite fond of him on The Voice; something about his good ol’ boy sweatervest look appealed to me, and he was unfailingly kind to all of the singers.

So I followed him on Twitter, and oh lord, how the shine tarnished in a hurry. ALL of his tweets – ALL OF THEM – are grammatically-incorrect poorly-spelled odes to getting really drunk and making fun of people. Turns out he really is a redneck, he doesn’t just play one on TV.

In the dayhome he would be useless, unless I could keep him sober long enough to lead a sing-a-long. Drunk daddies are not fun daddies! I suppose he could maybe mix me a drink at the end of the day, although I suspect he is strictly a beer man, and that asking him for a nice appletini would just result in disappointment.

Chris Hemsworth. Never have I wanted so much to be a motorcycle.

Oh, Chris Hemsworth. *fans self* Oh dearie me. He is just legitimately a sexy, sexy man. What can I say? There is not one thing I would change about him other than the fact that he doesn’t live in my house. I’ve heard directly from an actual source that his parents are lovely people and that he and his siblings were raised right. Plus he has an Australian accent.

In the dayhome he would be my go-to guy for squishing bugs, because being from Australia – the land where all the flora and fauna are trying to kill you – I’m sure he wouldn’t be fazed by non-poisonous spiders, large flies, or cellarbugs. Plus, he is Thor, which would be a great help when the gang are playing The Avengers, which they frequently do.

Max Greenfield, miming walking upstairs. I guess.

Max Greenfield.

*crickets chirp*

I have no idea who this is. I’ve never watched The New Girl because hipsters give me hives. All I know about this guy is that he rolls up his jean cuffs like a six year old and, apparently, eschews socks.

As a helper to me he would be no help at all. This line of work is dirty – poo, boogers, drool, crumbs. I suspect he would spend much of the day cringing in horror and tweeting obsessively on his iPhone5.

Ben Affleck, looking all serious and cleft of chin.

I have had an enormous crush on Ben Affleck since Dazed and Confused, even though he plays a horrible jackwad in that movie. Love him in everything. And as he ages, he just gets better-looking. He is rocking 40 years old. Yes, I know as a nation we’re all supposed to be mad at him for making Argo about the Americans and not at all about the Canadians – which, agree, dick move – but everyone’s allowed to have one mistake in their life. OK, two *coughJLocough*.

Having him visit the dayhome would be like having Michael home for the day. Affleck is a dad and he loves those kids, it’s plain to see. He & Jennifer Garner are probably my favourite celebrity couple, and I very much doubt their kids will ever grow up to be, say, Lindsay Lohan. I’ll bet he’d even change diapers if asked.

Richard Gere. Smarmy. Self-righteous.

What. The. Actual. Fuck. Richard Gere? Richard Gere???!!!???

First of all, I just cannot see Richard Gere anymore without thinking of gerbils. Also, he’s a bit of a dick about both vegetarianism and Buddhism, and yet his stated goal to avoid cruelty did not stop him from singing in Chicago. And isn’t he a has-been?

I can’t imagine what use he would be in the dayhome, I really can’t. He’s old enough to be their grandfather but doesn’t look like the grandfatherly type. Those beaded bracelets of his are a choking hazard. His hair would get messed up when loaded up the stroller and went for a walk. All in all, this is a completely wasted entry. Clearly, People’s demographic is getting older.

This post is turning out really long, so stay tuned for Part 2, coming tomorrow. 

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Responses

  1. Richard Gere. How does he keep making these lists? Does he have pictures of one of the editors fucking a hooker? Is it a blackmail thing? Or do people who are not us actually find him attractive? I don’t know.

    As for the rest of those gentlemen, I only really know Ben Affleck. He’s okay! I don’t mind him. Not one of my faves but fair-to-middling.

    • If you don’t know Chris Hemsworth, do yourself a favour and rent “Thor” for the boys this weekend. Just watch it. You’ll understand.

  2. I second Idris Elba. That is one tall drink of water. Sigh.

    I do watch NEW GIRL and it seriously grows on you. And Max Greenfield is really adorable on it in a clueless metrosexual douche kind of way. I know that sounds crazy but somehow it works. My husband doesn’t even mind when I watch it anymore. It is growing on him. Ha!

    • Hmmm. I see. I am probably being a touch unfair, as I am judging Max Greenfield based on one picture (and such a picture, yikes!) Perhaps I will have to try New Girl, although I am one of those people who does not enjoy Zooey Deschanel. *ducks*

      • I am also a touch unfair when it comes to NEW GIRL because the theme song, which ends with “Who’s that girl… It’s Jess!” is basically my favorite thing in the world. I sing it about myself and sometimes change it to Tess for the baby. I heart it in a super nerdy way.

        • OK, that is adorable.

  3. I now will forever link Richard Gere with gerbils in my mind. so, thanks for that. And now must rent Thor.
    For my kids. ahem.

    • Because you are a good, kind mommy who only thinks of your childrens’ happiness.

  4. Nicole’s comment made me laugh and laugh and laugh. As did this post. Especially your Max Greenfield commentary. I heartily agree that it’s time the People magazine editors (and the Republican party) embrace ethnic and cultural diversity. I will role model that by embracing Idris Elba and stuffing his face into my boobs.

    Signed,
    Nan
    Who Thinks Zooey Deschanel Is Insufferable.

    • Your comment is killing me dead. Motorboated by Idris Elba! We can but dream.

      I’m glad I’m not the only one with the Zooey Deschanel thing. What is it with her? Why is she so appealing to people? I don’t get it.

  5. Delurking to say Chris Hemsworth indeed. He also has a baby he seems to be quite proficient with so, he’s also good for help around the house.

    I have no idea if Idris Elba has children or can cook or clean, but frankly, it just doesn’t matter. That man is ridiculously sexy, if he no use around the dayhome I will just have to find other uses for him. I cannot believe People consistently overlooks him. Absurd.

    • That’s right, I forgot Chris Hemsworth is a dad now! I… I… I think my panties just exploded. *ahem*

      It is absurd that People keeps overlooking him, isn’t it? I wonder why that is? Is it because he’s not an American, possibly? Or do they just think he’s not well-known enough? Hmm….

  6. What’s with the filth from Nicole? It’s hilarious, but does it not seem a tiny bit out of character? Also, Nan stuffing Idris Elba’s face into her boobs — sheer awesomeness.

    Chris Hemsworth. Yes yes yes a million times yes. Although I couldn’t force myself to watch Snow White and the Huntsman even for him.

    Also, is anyone else loving that Hugh Jackman’s kid’s outfit and hair is messy and weird and kid-like, rather than looking like she’s on her way to a photo shoot for toddler vogue, like, say, Suri Cruise?

    • Nicole’s had a hard week. She had to hold in all the swears on account of the book fair. 🙂

      And YES to Ava Jackman’s hair. Good point. Her and her brother look like real kids. Which is delightful.

  7. Omstars I died laughing at Harrison’s beads being a choking hazard!!!!
    If you have all these men staff , you are going to need more woman staff to ‘help’. I’ve experience. I like cutting n sticking. When do I start! Bagsie being with Wolfman!

  8. HAHAHAH!
    Oh Hannah, this is so good.
    Poor Max Greenfield! He’s actually a very good-looking, appealing guy AND he’s a dad AND – if his twitter account is anything to go by – a fairly doting one. I bet he’d be great in the dayhome.

    • Thank you! And now I feel like I need to pay more attention to Max Greenfield. Poor, poor Max. This is really going to show that one should not judge a book by its cover.

  9. Oh. I had a hard day. And you and Beck and Nicole all made me laugh tonight. So funny.

  10. […] the only black man in Hollywood. You’re not even the most attractive black man in Hollywood. I addressed this yesterday. And yet there you are, year in and year out, not aging perhaps as well as one might have hoped. […]

  11. […] friend of mine recently wrote about People Magazine’s list of sexiest men alive (see part 1 and part 2) and I decided to add my opinion to the mix. She took the angle of rating them on their […]

  12. […] an annual November tradition around here. This is my third year! For many chuckles, check out my previous […]

  13. […] 2012, part one and 2012, part two […]


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