Posted by: Hannah | 11/17/2012

sexy man-helpers are sexy, pt 2

First off, if you enjoyed my post yesterday, you should check out Beck’s, Nicole’s, and Nan’s varied takes on the matter. In brief – People magazine are idiots and the various lists in the “sexiest men” issue are hopelessly flawed.

Now that we have that out of the way, we move on to Part 2!

Matt Bomer. Guess I’m 12 because I keep reading it as “Matt Boner”.

Matt Bomer was in Magic Mike with Channing Tatum, and I gather that his fan base is trying hard to get him cast as Christian Grey in the movie adaptations of the truly dreadful “50 Shades of Grey” series. I am on board with this; he’s attractive enough I suppose, and casting him means that no actor I have warm feelings for will get cast instead. Like Ryan Gosling. Oh sweet baby Jesus, please don’t let Ryan Gosling end in up that movie. Can you just imagine? “Hey girl, here’s my Red Room of Pain.” NO NO NO.

*ahem*

Anyway, Mr. Bomer’s bio further states that he is 35 years old. THIRTY-FIVE?? He does not look 35. He must bathe in the blood of virgins or something. MAYBE HE EATS CHILDREN. On the off chance that this is correct, I think I’d better keep him out of the dayhome altogether. I can explain away bumps on the head from falling off the swingset; “my sexy man-helper ate your baby to maintain his youthful glow” would be trickier.

Oscar Pistorius. Yeah. I got nothin’.

Who is gonna be the bitch that gets all snarky about a legless Olympic athelete? Not me. That’s a one-way ticket to hell, right there. Ignoring for a moment his artificial running legs, which are a technological marvel but still look slightly creepy, I just do not find him sexy or particularly attractive. He’s not unattractive, I guess – he’s just average. Not my thing.

The dayhome kids would either LOVE him – COOL ROBOT LEGS – or be terrified of him – SCARY ROBOT LEGS OH MY GOD HE’S A ROBOT. I do admit that his ability to have stamina enough to run around the park with them is a useful skill, though.

Denzel Washington. Getting a little bit of a     middle-aged belly-paunch, I see.

Oh, Denzel. You are on the list every year, I think. And yes, you are handsome. But you are not the only black man in Hollywood. You’re not even the most attractive black man in Hollywood. I addressed this yesterday. And yet there you are, year in and year out, not aging perhaps as well as one might have hoped. You are the safe choice, Denzel. And it’s too bad that People isn’t more open to embracing other races and ethnicities. Your inclusion on this list of safe white dudes smacks of tokenism. It’s sad.

Anyway, in the dayhome. Hmm. I have seen Denzel in movies where he has to save little kids from terrorists and/or kidnappers, and he does have a very reassuring, soothing voice. He’s also mastered the unblinking gaze-into-the-eyes thing that is super-important when dealing with toddlers. (You must maintain eye contact when talking to toddlers, or you’ll sound like an adult in a Peanuts cartoon. TRUE FACTS.) I can see him being quite a good assistant, actually. Thumbs up, Denzel!

Damien Lewis. Does he have chapped lips? Is that why his mouth is like that?

Here’s another entry where I have absolutely no idea who this person is. He’s in Homeland, I gather. A show that I’ve heard good things about but have never seen. And I’m trying to formulate sentences about him but I CAN’T STOP STARING AT HIS MOUTH. What in god’s name is wrong with his mouth? Why is it so small? Why are his lips so pursed? Does he always look like that?

Dayhome help… I can’t do it. I can’t think of a single thing to say because DEAR GOD WHY DOES HE HAVE SUCH A TINY MOUTH.

“Hey, in some parts of the universe, maybe not in contempo-casual, but in some parts, it’s considered cool to know what’s going on in the world.”

Paul Rudd. PAAAAUUUULLLL RRRRUUUUUDDDDD. This is an entry I have no quibbles with whatsoever. He is dreamy. Like every other lady of a certain age I know, we loved him as adorable ex-stepbrother Josh in Clueless and the years have not changed our opinion. Also, that picture is singularly spectacular. Look at him, rocking that chest hair. HAWT.

He’s got a fantastic sense of humour – this is a funny guy. You really need the ability to laugh when you work with little kids, so I’m thinking he would be ideally suited to the job of Dayhome Assistant. He just seems so easy-going. Low maintenance. These are all important traits. I feel like he’s the one person on this list that would just be fun to hang out with, despite his good looks.

Bradley Cooper, needing a haircut.

Last year, when Bradley Cooper won the title, Nan wrote a fantastic post wherein she pointed out that he is actually a Golden Retriever. I can’t top that. She’s right. He is “a cheerful, inveterate crotch sniffer”. He’s attractive enough, I suppose, and he speaks French which is appealing to a certain segment of the population, but he’s not my type. You just know he checks himself out in store windows and mirrors.

While this kills dead any sexual attraction I have to him, I can see him being a big hit in the dayhome. Much like my dog, a Labrador Retriever, is. In fact, Bradley would be ideally-suited to helping amuse my dog… taking him for walks… playing tug-of-war… yup, I think I need to get my dog a Bradley Cooper for Christmas.

And that’s it! This year’s list. I’m starting to feel the same way about the People list as I do about Cosmo’s sex tips – like we’re getting punked. This list is only the top 12 – some of the other lists had even more insane choices on them. Go check out The United States of Sexy. I realize sexy is subjective, but if you can find me anyone who looks at this picture of Adam Lambert and thinks “give mama some of that”… well, I’ll buy a hat for the express purpose of eating it, is what I’m saying.

He looks like Liza Minnelli after a bender. So, a Tuesday afternoon.

What do you think? Who did I miss? Are you already getting your campaigns in order for next year? And should I write to People magazine about Idris Elba?

 

Here’s a palate-cleanser for you. You’re welcome.

 

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Responses

  1. This MADE MY DAY. The dude with the lips. Oh my head. Cannot stop laughing. And your Adam lambert comment? Clapped my hands.

    • I’m obsessed with his lips. I keep going back and looking at them, and thinking WTF?

  2. This is so great. I actually said something about Adam Lambert on twitter and one of my followers chastised me. “He’s super hot!” she said. Oh. Well. This is awkward.

    Okay, Imma gonna be the bitch. No, I’m not. But I’m thinking all the thoughts.

    Dear god, that man does have a small mouth. Which is better than a big juicy mouth, I guess. Still.

    • I’m gonna say it, that follower is nutty. I would want to ask them at the very least if maybe this is just a really, really unflattering picture.

  3. “my sexy man-helper ate your baby to maintain his youthful glow” — HAHAHAHA!

    I do agree with your assessment of Denzel’s inclusion (and more importantly Idris’ exclusion). People magazine needs to stop selecting sexy men as if they are trying to appeal to Republican voters or housewives from the fifties.

    I love Paul Rudd despite never having watched Clueless. To me he is Phoebe Buffay’s husband.

    Thanks for linking and quoting me!

    • He was also delightful as Phoebe Buffay’s husband. And I had to quote you – nothing else really fit.

  4. I’ve disliked Bradley Cooper since He’s Just Not that Into You, but then I saw him interviewed by George Stromboloposnuffalupagus and he was really nice and self-deprecating so ….. shit. Matt Bomer? Way too pretty. Denzel? He’s peaked. Move on. Idris Elba? A world of yes. I like Damian Lewis though – I don’t think his mouth is freakishly small, he just has pronounced smile lines. And I loved him in Life AND Homeland.

  5. […] Tearing apart these lists has become an annual November tradition around here. This is my third year! For many chuckles, check out my previous lists. […]

  6. […] part one and 2012, part […]


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