No, you fools, not Christmas.
It’s time for People Magazine’s annual coronation of the Sexiest Man Alive!
(Side note: If you haven’t read this hilarious piece on The Toast yet, you really should. Poor Channing! And Bradley Cooper, we hardly knew ye.)
You’ll notice that for the past two years I have suggested Idris Elba is actually the sexiest man alive, and he hasn’t even appeared on their lists. Last year I even said that I would keep mentioning him until People got the hint, because, well:
Or also this:
And this year they finally listened, and Idris Elba has finally been crowned People’s Sexiest Man Alive!!
Or else he was the runner-up and they picked Adam Levine instead.
Now, I’ve seen a lot of comments today of the “I don’t even know who Adam Levine is!” variety, so for those of you who don’t know, he’s the lead singer of Maroon 5, he’s one of the judges on The Voice, and he apparently really, really likes peculiar tattoos.
He doesn’t really do it for me, I have to say… at least not based on that picture. So I did a quick image search and came up with this:
This got me thinking, because the featured picture of our man Idris is also objectively terrible. Look at this and tell me if it sets your lady-boners in motion like the first two pictures did:
I mean, he’s handsome and all, but not holysmokesmyburningloins handsome. Then I looked at the other pictures, and they are almost all really, really bad. Poor lighting, weird composition, bizarre makeup in one case (we’ll get to that)… so this year, I’m going to strictly focus on whether or not a good photographer could actually have saved the list.
Because I’m here to tell you, this was the most underwhelming crop yet based on the magazine slideshow, but maybe those pictures just don’t do them justice. I’m willing to do this research for you, friends, because in November we all could use a little more sexy.
Number 3 – Luke Bryan
And my first reaction was “who?” which is some kind of record – normally we get to number five or six before I have no idea who they’re talking about.
This is People’s picture:
As compared to this:
Nope, we can safely say this guy does nothing for me. He looks like a bunch of random guys I went to high school with. I gather he’s a country singer and you can tell from his online image library that he desperately wants to be a good ol’ country boy, but that mouthful of veneers destroys any credibility he may have had on that front. NEXT.
Number 4 – Jimmy Fallon
And my choice:
I was one of the only people I know who saw his movie with Drew Barrymore – Fever Pitch, a sweet little movie about a passionate Red Sox fan and his adorable but baseball-clueless girlfriend. It was really cute, and I had such a crush on him in that movie. He’s just funny, and sexy, and is by all accounts a fantastic husband and father so bonus points to you, People Magazine! I approve this choice. And although the composition of your picture is a little weird I don’t think it detracts much from the source material.
Number 5 – Bruno Mars
This is one of those people… I recognize the name, and I know he’s a musician, but I couldn’t sing you one of his songs with a gun to my head and get offa mah lawn, you gol-durned kids.
The People shot:
What is that I’m looking at? Remember that controversial Calvin Klein ad campaign back in the 90s where the shots all looked like prepubescent kids in a poorly-lit basement having their pictures taken by Creepy Uncle Ted? Remember that? That’s what this reminds me of. It’s the opposite of sexy. It doesn’t make me want to get with this, it makes me want to call 911.
OHHHH, now I get it. He’s sort of old-Hollywood. He’s got lovely eyes. I still feel kind of old for him (aside: how old is this guy? Oh, I see. 28. My little brother is around that age. *shudder*) but I understand this one. So, I like your choice, People, but you did him a grave disservice with that stupid picture.
Number 6 – Jonathon & Drew Scott
People in their infinite wisdom paid someone cash money to style & then take this photo:
And I find it objectively terrifying. They look like Ken dolls come to life. The makeup, it is pancake. The hair, it appears as one solid piece, like a Lego minifig. These two aren’t sexy. THEY ARE THE DAMNED.
They at least look mostly human in this picture, but they are still not my cuppa. I realize they are Canadian so I’m probably honour-bound to find them appealing, but they just seem way too high maintenance for me.
And this got immensely long yet there are still five allegedly sexy men to go! Part 2, tomorrow.