Posted by: Hannah | 11/20/2013

it’s the most wonderful time of the year

No, you fools, not Christmas.

It’s time for People Magazine’s annual coronation of the Sexiest Man Alive!

(Side note: If you haven’t read this hilarious piece on The Toast yet, you really should. Poor Channing! And Bradley Cooper, we hardly knew ye.)

Tearing apart these lists has become an annual November tradition around here. This is my third year! For many chuckles, check out my previous lists.

You’ll notice that for the past two years I have suggested Idris Elba is actually the sexiest man alive, and he hasn’t even appeared on their lists. Last year I even said that I would keep mentioning him until People got the hint, because, well:

Why are you in a coffin, Idris? Are you too sexy for this world?

Or also this:

You’re wearing a toque and you still look good.

And this year they finally listened, and Idris Elba has finally been crowned People’s Sexiest Man Alive!!

 

…..

 

Or else he was the runner-up and they picked Adam Levine instead.

adam-levine-435

Ummm….

Now, I’ve seen a lot of comments today of the “I don’t even know who Adam Levine is!” variety, so for those of you who don’t know, he’s the lead singer of Maroon 5, he’s one of the judges on The Voice, and he apparently really, really likes peculiar tattoos.

He doesn’t really do it for me, I have to say… at least not based on that picture. So I did a quick image search and came up with this:

There’s a certain hey-girl quality I can get behind.

This got me thinking, because the featured picture of our man Idris is also objectively terrible. Look at this and tell me if it sets your lady-boners in motion like the first two pictures did:

idris-elba-435

What have they done to you, my precious??

I mean, he’s handsome and all, but not holysmokesmyburningloins handsome. Then I looked at the other pictures, and they are almost all really, really bad. Poor lighting, weird composition, bizarre makeup in one case (we’ll get to that)… so this year, I’m going to strictly focus on whether or not a good photographer could actually have saved the list.

Because I’m here to tell you, this was the most underwhelming crop yet based on the magazine slideshow, but maybe those pictures just don’t do them justice. I’m willing to do this research for you, friends, because in November we all could use a little more sexy.

Number 3 – Luke Bryan

And my first reaction was “who?” which is some kind of record – normally we get to number five or six before I have no idea who they’re talking about.

This is People’s picture:

luke-bryan-435

You have some remarkably white and even teeth, sir.

As compared to this:

Still with the teeth, man. God. You aren’t supposed to wear the whitening strips EVERY NIGHT UNTIL THE END OF TIME.

Nope, we can safely say this guy does nothing for me. He looks like a bunch of random guys I went to high school with. I gather he’s a country singer and you can tell from his online image library that he desperately wants to be a good ol’ country boy, but that mouthful of veneers destroys any credibility he may have had on that front. NEXT.

Number 4 – Jimmy Fallon

People Magazine:

jimmy-fallon-495

Why is he leaning forward and apparently struggling to button his jacket? It’s so awkward-looking.

And my choice:

He looks kind of like John Cusack. And there is NOTHING wrong with that.

I was one of the only people I know who saw his movie with Drew Barrymore – Fever Pitch, a sweet little movie about a passionate Red Sox fan and his adorable but baseball-clueless girlfriend. It was really cute, and I had such a crush on him in that movie. He’s just funny, and sexy, and is by all accounts a fantastic husband and father so bonus points to you, People Magazine! I approve this choice. And although the composition of your picture is a little weird I don’t think it detracts much from the source material.

Number 5 – Bruno Mars

This is one of those people… I recognize the name, and I know he’s a musician, but I couldn’t sing you one of his songs with a gun to my head and get offa mah lawn, you gol-durned kids.

The People shot:

bruno-mars-435

Either the shirt OR the pants, young man. Both is too much.

What is that I’m looking at? Remember that controversial Calvin Klein ad campaign back in the 90s where the shots all looked like prepubescent kids in a poorly-lit basement having their pictures taken by Creepy Uncle Ted? Remember that? That’s what this reminds me of. It’s the opposite of sexy. It doesn’t make me want to get with this, it makes me want to call 911.

Hello, handsome!

OHHHH, now I get it. He’s sort of old-Hollywood. He’s got lovely eyes. I still feel kind of old for him (aside: how old is this guy? Oh, I see. 28. My little brother is around that age. *shudder*) but I understand this one. So, I like your choice, People, but you did him a grave disservice with that stupid picture.

Number 6 – Jonathon & Drew Scott

People in their infinite wisdom paid someone cash money to style & then take this photo:

jonathan-scott-660

What the… I can’t… what… WHAT IS THIS????

And I find it objectively terrifying. They look like Ken dolls come to life. The makeup, it is pancake. The hair, it appears as one solid piece, like a Lego minifig. These two aren’t sexy. THEY ARE THE DAMNED.

They must go to the same dentist as Luke Bryan.

They at least look mostly human in this picture, but they are still not my cuppa. I realize they are Canadian so I’m probably honour-bound to find them appealing, but they just seem way too high maintenance for me.

***

And this got immensely long yet there are still five allegedly sexy men to go! Part 2, tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

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Responses

  1. Hmm. None of them does anything for me.

    • Not a one? Not even my Idris? WHO THEN, SARAH??? 😉

  2. I did know who Bruno Mars is, because “Your sex takes me to paradise” which is a catchy but grammatically suspect song. However, he does nothing for me. NOTHING. Too young, too short.

    Jimmy Fallon I think is cute and sweet and very hilarious but I don’t find him ehrmagerd sexy at all. But nice. More like a guy you’d be friends with and then later you’d find out they were all into you and then it would kind of wreck it. You know?

    Idris, yes. Bad photo though.

    ADAM LEVINE NO. I think it’s the tattoos. And the douchey ness.

    • You’re right about Jimmy Fallon, actually. Crushable, not swoonable, and there is a difference.

      I had no idea Levine was actually a douche until I started reading about him yesterday. His personality is a huge part of the turn-off for me.

  3. Your blog makes me happy. Thanks for going the extra mile and doing all of that extra, hot photo research 🙂

    • I live to give.

      (Also, thank you. I’m glad I can make people smile.)

  4. ” that mouthful of veneers destroys any credibility he may have had on that front. ” — hahahahaha. That was comedy GOLD.

    I’m not sure the Scott brothers are cute as singletons, but as a pair they are scary. It’s like they never got over their mom dressing them alike as children.

    • YAY I love it when I make you laugh! You crack me up pretty consistently so knowing I could return the favour makes me preen.

      And YES, you are bang-on about the Scott brothers. It’s unsettling. I feel like you couldn’t ever date only one of them – the other one would always be sitting right there.

  5. Two tales for you…first, re: Idris, I was reading Entertainment Weekly this week and they were featuring potential Oscar nominees. I turned the page and there was a full-page picture of Idris and I just about fell out of my chair, he was so lovely. I had to look to see who it was and lo, am now a MEGAFAN. Highly recommend you pick up the issue (it’s the one with The Hobbit on the cover – come to think of it I think it was last week’s, hm).

    In any case: word to the Idris.

    Second: my middle daughter, age 9, loves Maroon 5. The other day we were listening to “Daylight” in the car and she leaned over and whispered to me, “This song gives me Feelings, but I would not like to talk about them right now.”

    SNORT, and also MY BABY, and also, I guess Adam has some sort of impact on SOME of the ladies, at least.

    And lastly: What Nan said about the Scott brothers, EXACTLY.

    • I will try to find that issue. I will pretend I’m buying it for the boys, because The Hobbit, but actually I will be buying it for me, because The Idris (“Mom, it looks like a page is missing here!”)

      The first time I saw Idris was in The Wire. Oh my heavens. His voice alone is sexy, but married to that face… oh my.

      That story about your daughter cracks me up. So sweet.

  6. I have been solidly in the Idris camp since The Wire. He is A Man – capital letters required. Whew. Others on this list are not even in the same Man zone as Stinger Bell/Luther/take your pick of roles in which Idris is A Man.

    I love Jimmy Fallon in that way that I’ve always liked slightly nerdy guys with good senses of humor. I dated a few of his ilk in my teen years, but even then realized they were never going to give me “the feelings” in the manner of guys like Idris, so they did not last.

    Fine, I admit it, I love many of Bruno Mars’ songs even though I realize they are written to appeal to teen-aged girls. I cannot help it. Treasure makes me dance anywhere, anytime in that old-school disco/funk kind of way and I can picture my 13 YO self desperately wishing I’d be asked to slow dance to his mushy songs. That said, he is far too young for me to even consider him sexy.

  7. Okay – re: the Canadians. I didn’t really think they were that great until I remembered that the one on the left is a carpenter. Now I’m in love with him, and I want him to come fix my kitchen floor. 😉

    • This is true. Bonus points for handy men.

  8. Both you and Nan have hit this out of the park. I know who Adam Levine is, due to his distinctive voice, but I can never picture him. Bruno Mars is adorable, like my son is adorable. I don’t know who the Canadian guys are, but they’re not my cup of double half-caf non-fat or whatever the heck you coffee drinkers say. I don’t know why we can’t just declare Idris the Lifetime Champion of Sexy Awesomeness In Perpetuity, which would forestall having to slaughter these photographers for the grave disservice they’ve done to good-looking men.

    • Aww, thanks. And I can totally get behind just crowning Idris, dropping the mic, and moving on.

  9. Oh that Idris Elba. I whipped through those Luther episodes on Netflix so quick. There’s been a couple pics of him on tomandlorenzo.com that I could use as my screensaver like a 13 yr old girl.

  10. Fever Pitch made PH cry. But don’t tell anyone. He says it’s not true. He just gets emotion in his eyes sometimes.

  11. […] 2013, part one  and 2013, part two […]


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