Posted by: Hannah | 11/21/2013

it’s the most wonderful time of the year, part 2

Without a whole lot of preamble, we carry on!

Although I do want to say this, in response to Nan’s comment on yesterday’s post – I tried to find pictures of the Scott brothers individually, in case her hypothesis is correct and they are less frightening separately. I had NO LUCK finding such a thing. On the internet! In a world where Rule # 34 is a thing, I think this is probably proof that they aren’t human but are instead some kind of interdependent cyborgs.

Moving on…

Number 7 – Justin Timberlake

justin-timberlake-435

JT, sporting the “teacher yearbook photo from a prep school” look.

Here’s the thing – I like Justin Timberlake, although I like his movies better than his music. He just oozes charisma. He’s very funny, and he likes to laugh at himself, which is just about the sexiest trait there is. I’ve watched Friends With Benefits twice because he was just so darned adorable in it.

He can also be smoking hot though too, which is a bonus. You can’t tell from that picture, but you can from this one:

I didn’t know playing the piano gave you muscular forearms… huh.

There he is, doing what he loves, just throwing himself into it with a big smile on his face. That, ladies, is attractive.

Number 8 – Chris Pine

*shakes self out of reverie*

Oh Captain, my Captain.

Oh Captain, my Captain.

Chris Pine is of course the new James T. Kirk in the Star Trek reboot. I have very mixed feelings about the movies – especially the last one, ugh – but my feelings for Chris are not conflicted at all. He’s just lovely.

He even makes that pocket square look a little naughty.

Number 9 – Pharrell Williams

Again with the “who?”

I'm pretty sure The Riddler wears that jacket for fancy dinner parties.

Sexy. You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

This I don’t get at all. His ears are lopsided. That jacket gives me hives. He wrote or produced or some damn thing Blurred Lines and as Nan pointed out, he talks about himself in the third person which automatically sets off my “giant douchebag” alarm.

This is more flattering, certainly:

He looks like he’s laughing at my wardrobe choices.

I still don’t see it. Bad choice, People. I approve of the fact that I think for the first time EVER you have a list with two men of colour and neither of them is Denzel Washington, which probably signals that the apocalypse is nigh… but he actively turns me off, this guy.

Number 10 – Ronan Farrow

So, I’ve been following Ronan Farrow on Twitter for a few months now, because he’s smart, funny, and informed. It’s hard to express opinions on contentious issues in 140 character bursts, but he does it. He’s worth a look.

ronan-farrow-435

You think you’re smart, Ronan, but there are things I could teach you. Thirty-five year old woman things. Call me.

His name used to be Satchel, back when his mom Mia was still married to Woody Allen and the world hadn’t found out yet that Woody didn’t just play a creepy weirdo in the movies.

He changed his name to Ronan and this year his own mother started the rumour that he is actually Frank Sinatra’s son, not Woody’s.

With bonus Ol’ Blue Eyes. NO RESEMBLANCE THERE AT ALL. Nothing to see here, folks.

Ronan, I realize you’re only 25 and that makes it wrong, but you are in fact sexy. Approve.

Number 11 – Justin Theroux

Or should I say, Justin TherWHO?

Or should I say, Justin TherWHO?

Why are you on this list, person who looks vaguely like a less self-satisfied Rob Lowe? *checks* Oh, I see – you’re Jennifer Aniston’s current man. And according to People, you write “hilarious movies”, although they neglect to mention what any of them are.

Justin-Theroux-016-1440x900

You appear so earnest, Justin. SO EARNEST.

In that picture he looks like a young Freddie Prinze Jr. I’m so confused by you, Justin Theroux. You are a cipher. You are filling in the space next to Aniston in pictures now. I do not find you sexy.

Number 12 – David Beckham

Are we still talking about David Beckham?

I went swimming in denim. Why did I go swimming in denim? How am I going to get these off?

I went swimming in denim. Why did I go swimming in denim? How am I going to get these off?

Here’s the thing – David Beckham was a stellar athlete – once. When he was actually playing soccer and that’s all he was doing, I loved to watch him. But now he’s all married-to-Posh-Spice and father-of-four and I can’t forget that. Plus in that picture he really does look like Joey Tribbiani doing “smell the fart” acting.

Ahh. Got the denim off. That’s better.

I can appreciate that he is very very fit. That is a nice six-pack. That picture is also (I think) about ten years old. I just don’t understand how he got on this list at all, because I question his current relevance. Is he launching another fragrance, or something?

In conclusion…

People Magazine has never missed the mark so many times for me. Where is my Chris Hemsworth? (He’s on a separate list, “sexiest siblings”, with his little brother Liam.) Why are all the photographs so terrible? The write-ups seemed even more lightweight and cheesy this year (did you know one of their reasons for choosing Justin Theroux is that he “loves a good flea market find?” GEE TURN ON THE SEXY TIMES, PLEASE.)

I guess maybe I’m too old? Or too jaded? Or too endowed with actual eyeballs? I don’t know.

Your thoughts? Am I just dead inside? Or is People’s editorial staff now composed solely of frustrated j-school grads under 30, and times have moved on?

 

 

 

 

 

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Responses

  1. Chris Pine. Yes, I’ll take one of him to go. I admit I like David Beckham, but also concede that my appreciation of him is still coasting on his heyday playing for Man U and Real Madrid. What can I say, my entire life I seem to have had a thing for soccer players and he made a big impression on me relatively early in my dating years.

  2. Argh. Did my comment just get totally eaten? Defeated by technology again.

  3. “interdependent cyborgs” — YES!

    This year’s edition is a total flop, I wonder if the magazine is hoping to let the whole thing fade away. I did not know about the Pharrell connection with Blurred Lines. Now I want to make him some kind of awful Love Sandwich. While wearing Cyrus’ dirty foam finger.

    It makes sense to me that Ronan Farrow is a Sinatra. I was always shocked that someone as unattractive as Woody Allen could be involved in this man’s conception. I followed Farrow for a while on Twitter, but he does appear to be a very clever, very well spoken fame whore. He LOVES name dropping. that is NOT sexy.

    You’re right about the photos, btw. None do the men justice. Not even Chris’ — damn I love that man. He rocks the stubble like no one else. There are some very huge issues w/ STID, but I can’t articulate them b/c I get distracted by Pine and ‘Batch and melt into goo.

    Which brings me to my final thought: WHY IS THERE NO TOM HIDDLESTON OR BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH ON THIS LIST?!?!?

    • I suspect Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch have better sense. They don’t need the publicity, you know? A lot of these washed-up has-beens really, really do.

  4. The “how am I going to get these off” Beckham denim thing made me snort peppermint tea. I love Justin Timberlake, but in a pat-him-on-the-head kind of way (GOD I’m old. At least I didn’t say, like my mother would have “that little Timberlake boy). I would have said Justin Theroux looks like an OLD Freddy Prinze jr, but I haven’t seen Freddy Prinze jr for a while. Chris Pine? Doesn’t really do it for me. He does the young William Shatner thing exceedingly well, and I love me some William Shatner, but not in a World’s Sexiest Man way. Ronan Farrow? Never heard of him, but going in cold I just find him kind of creepy.

    Clearly I’m doing Looking at Sexy Men ALL WRONG.

  5. I think the Sexiest Man Alive is suffering from being an annual thing. They have to have someone new every year – otherwise it’d just be Clooney and Pitt every single year. And yet, their search for someone new leads them to questionable, young kid types that just do not have the star power of past winners. I’m thinking they should go to Sexiest Man of the Decade. MUCH more meaningful.

    In other news: double checked my EW issues and the Idris one is this week’s, with Fifty Shades of Grey on the cover (SO EMBARRASSING to purchase, due to the cover. Let me know if you’d like me to mail you mind in a plain brown paper bag.).

    • I think you’re right – it is largely meaningless to do it every year. Excellent point.

      You can keep your EW, I’m good. But thank you, that’s very sweet. 🙂

  6. It’s okay David Beckham. SHHH. Beck is here now. She still thinks you’re relevant.
    Also Pharrell Williams is cute! And talented! I’m trying to smush cute and talented together in my head.
    Jennifer Aniston’s boyfriend looks like my dead uncle. JUST LIKE. So everytime I see him, I’m just sad. Managed to leave that out of MY post.

  7. I used to ❤ Pharell back in the days of N.E.R.D. I've somehow managed to avoid hearing/seeing this Blurred Lines thing. I'm too far out of the loop to comment on the list. And I feel pretty good about that.

  8. I think David Beckham has an admirable body – because he’s an athlete and fit, obvi – but I can’t get behind that many tattoos. I can’t! They aren’t attractive to me! Also he’s just not my “type” I guess. But no one is in this edition. NO ONE. *sobs*

  9. […] year, I – and several of my friends, what’s up Hannah, Nan, and Beck? – tackle the important work of disseminating the annual People’s […]

  10. […] part one  and 2013, part […]


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