Posted by: Hannah | 11/05/2014

“If I show up at your door, chances are you did something to bring me there.”

Special thanks to @nicoleboyhouse and @clippo for inspiring this post. Video clips are not suitable for kids or work, probably, so be warned.

I have a confession to make.

Hollywood hitmen are sexy.

It all started (I think) with Leon in The Professional. In case you’ve never seen it, you really should. It was the first movie Michael showed me, back before we were even officially dating, and I suspect that my immediate love and appreciation for it scored me several bonus points. It stars the fabulous Jean Reno as Leon, an assassin who takes in a 12 year old girl (impossibly young and adorable Natalie Portman) as his protégée after her parents are murdered.

Just listen to his voice in this clip:

 

I mean, COME ON.

Next up, Grosse Point Blank. Now, I already fancied John Cusack because A) Lloyd Dobbler and B) everything else John Cusack, ever, even when he played a dorky skeeze in Sixteen Candles. But as professional hitman suffering through an existential crisis, he played in my opinion one of the finest roles of his career in a movie that still holds up.

 

See? Sexy.

Then along came Jason Statham. I think in this case I’ll let him tell you:

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You know Colin Farrell has played hitmen a bunch of times? He has. If you’ve never seen In Bruges, you probably should.

 

I challenge you to watch that and not be charmed by his scruffy Irish badassedness.

Or how about Mike the Cleaner, from Breaking Bad? It’s because I find him attractive that I know it’s something about the hitman persona rather than the actual physical attributes of the actor, because this guy is not conventionally good-looking. And yet.

 

Most recently, Michael and I went to see John Wick when we were away for our 10th anniversary weekend, because nothing says I love you and hope we are together forever like a bloody ultra-violent revenge flick starring Keanu Reeves:

 

I haven’t had feelings for Keanu for probably 20 years, and yet here we are, folks.

Clearly, I have Issues. Hitman Issues. Why are they so appealing? Is it the steely gaze? The casual arrogance? The muscles?

Nope.

It’s because movie hitmen Get Shit Done. They are always plugged in. Even when they’re angry, they’re still dispassionate, because getting too emotionally-involved gets you killed. They tend to be detail-oriented, generally wear beautifully-tailored suits so they can be treated with deference and respect, and live in shiny ultra-modern homes that have no clutter.

Truly, the movie hitman is like catnip to a certain type of gal, and it would appear that type is me.

 

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Responses

  1. “It’s because movie hitmen Get Shit Done. They are always plugged in. Even when they’re angry, they’re still dispassionate, because getting too emotionally-involved gets you killed. ”

    Oh, Mike…

    Maybe I need a movie hitman, rather than a maid, personal trainer, RMT, etc.

    Great post.

  2. JC that picture of Stratham. I feel faint. Mike. MIKE. I watched that clip and yeah. That’s why I have a thing for him.

  3. JC. That picture of Stratham. I feel faint.

    Mike. MIKE. Yep, that’s the ticket.

  4. Hit men definitely don’t do it for me, but to each his own!

  5. Colin Farrell is some kind of blind spot for me. Evidently he’s better now, but even when he was not a good person, I still would have hit that. He just rings all my bells – the accent, the dark good looks, he’s the kind of guy that I spent a portion of my college years hooking up with despite knowing he was a bit of an asshole. So basically a good sense overrider.

    • YES EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS COMMENT IS TRUE AND REAL.

  6. I FREAKING LOVE THE PROFESSIONAL. For Jean Reno AND Natalie Portman. And John Cusack in Grosse Pointe Blank. Haven’t seen the others, and that Breaking Bad guy turns my stomach, but that’s probably because I haven’t watched Breaking Bad. It’s partly the ‘Hit Man With a Heart of Gold’ stereotype, I think, that does it. Real life hit men are probably less attractive. Or maybe I’m doing real life hit men a disservice, who knows? Maybe I should be encouraging my kid to explore it as a career option. I mean, there are a lot of frigging people around, and if someone will pay you handsomely to get rid of a few, why not?

    • You would LOVE In Bruges. I’m telling you, it’s right up your alley.

      And I think “professional killer” sounds way too appealing to me as a profession, some days.


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