Posted by: Hannah | 12/17/2014

in which i laugh immoderately at real people

There is a really weird news story hitting the internet today.

Briefly, a man named Jordan Axani and his girlfriend Elizabeth Gallagher had booked heavily-discounted air tickets for a trip around the world. The relationship ended, but the trip was non-refundable and non-transferrable, so Mr. Axani took to Reddit. He posted his story and asked for any women with the name “Elizabeth Gallagher” – and a Canadian passport to match – willing to share the trip with him.

After a month of… I don’t know what to call them! Auditions, maybe? Anyway, after a month, Mr. Axani announced the winner – an adorable 23 year old blonde woman from Cole Harbour, NS.

For the record, I think this is all beyond weird. For me personally, I can’t imagine anything more intense and stressful than travelling to distant locales with someone I don’t know very, very well. Haven’t we all seen that movie? Don’t we all yell at the pretty blonde girl for stupidly getting on the airplane with the handsome stranger?

I hate “we’ll all be murdered while travelling abroad” movies. They reinforce my latent hermit tendencies.

Says Ms. Gallagher; “It definitely did seem a little bit creepy at the beginning but now that I talked to him it’s less creepy and more awesome. This is totally sort of like as friends.”

Apparently they talked on the phone “for hours”, and oh my god, in my head I’m already casting the adorable rom-com to be written by Mindy Kaling.

But then! Plot twist!

The New Elizabeth Gallagher has a boyfriend.

giphy (2)

She says they are thinking of buying a house, and they have a puppy, so it’s “pretty serious”.

I’m going to pour one out right now for the boyfriend. I’m sure he’s a nice guy. He likes puppies. He’s also doomed, because unless Hollywood has lied to me FOREVER, this is not going to end well for him.

The very first movie ever to win all five major Academy Awards, It Happened One Night, set the foundation for every single rom-com to stand on its shoulders. Check out this partial plot synopsis:

Spoiled heiress Ellen “Ellie” Andrews has eloped with pilot and fortune-hunter “King” Westley against the wishes of her extremely wealthy father, Alexander, who wants to have the marriage annulled. Jumping ship in Florida, she runs away, boarding a bus to New York City, to reunite with her new spouse, when she meets fellow bus passenger Peter Warne, a freshly out-of-work newspaper reporter. Soon Warne recognizes her and gives her a choice: if she will give him an exclusive on her story, he will help her reunite with Westley. If not, he will tell her father where she is. Ellie agrees to the first choice.

Soon penniless, Ellie has to rely completely on Peter. As they go through several adventures together, Ellie loses her initial disdain for him and begins to fall in love.

*drops mic*

If this were the 80s – or even the early 90s, hell – this movie would be made by Nora Ephron and star John Cusack as the introspective mystery man, Bill Pullman as the gentle boyfriend who stays home with the puppy, and Meg Ryan as Gallagher 2.0.

If they were going to the Empire State Building we’d already be sending condolence cards to the boyfriend, I’m thinking.

Boy oh boy. The schadenfreude with a side order of “damn, wish I was getting a free trip around the world for Christmas” is tasty today.

***

Yes, I realize I am having a laugh at real people. I realize it probably isn’t charitable, or kind. I may regret this later and purge this post, who knows. But for now… I’m killing myself with inappropriate laughter. On the Wednesday before Christmas, I’ll take it.

 

 

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Responses

  1. I can’t believe the “winner” is from Nova Scotia. Oh brother. Why did she *have* to be from Nova Scotia? Are there not already enough jokes to go around – the world, at that?!? Oy!

    This is just creepy and weird and I think you should never purge this post because if she doesn’t end up doomed, the movie will kick butt and YOU might get in on some serious royalties.

    Now for the love of Bilbo Baggins stop being so funny and interesting and awesome so I can go make a Hobbit* cake!

    *because I am insane. Obviously.

    • Nova Scotia is a whole population of storytellers. I think it lends itself to making headlines.

      • You are 100% correct. 😀

        It will make one hell of a story!

  2. YOU WIN THE INTERNET TODAY. This was awesome.

    • I love it when I win the internet!

  3. I second Nicole. This post was perfection.

  4. I wonder what the boyfriend is thinking? “Bye, honey, have fun with that strange guy on that romantic adventure!”

    • I imagine he realizes that it *is* up to her. But yeah. I feel for him. He’s trying to be all supportive & trusting but it’s got to be really hard.

  5. Bet as I type this, somebody somewhere is putting the finishing touches on a screenplay – and regardless of what actually happens a romantic comedy “based on a true story” will be in theatres just in time for Xmas next year.

    • I wish I knew how to write a screenplay! I WOULD BE RICH.


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