Posted by: Hannah | 09/06/2016

course correction

I’ve forgotten how to write, on my long blog pause. It’s been a busy summer, and even now I should really be cleaning the house instead of noodling around on the computer, but it’s approximately 10000000% humidity and all I can do is sit here in an oversized t-shirt, trying not to move too much and feeling like I’m breathing through a sponge.

We had lovely crisp fallish weather for the long weekend, so this return to Satan’s Unwashed Armpit feels especially unfair.

The kids are still not back in school. One more day at home, and we’ve basically agreed to retreat to our corners until it’s over. As long as they aren’t trashing the house too badly, I’m not forcing them to hang around in the dayhome. We did so many activities this summer that I honestly don’t feel like I’m failing for not continuing to enrich their every moment right up until they climb aboard the bus on Thursday.

I know that come the first week of June I’ll be craving the end of the school grind again, but for now I’m just needing to get back to my routine. Between a very busy summer in the dayhome, Harry’s baseball, actually having a social life outside of the computer… well, all of that was interesting, but it means that my house is really in what my Nanny would have called “a state”. Winter is so long, and dark, and summer is so short, that I just couldn’t make myself stay in and wash the floors when the sun was shining.

Not only that, but the compliment in the dayhome has changed a lot since school let out. Daisy aged out and I added two kids under two, so now I have my own three boys (11, 8, and 4.5); a 3 year old boy, a 2 year old girl & a 20 month old boy who split one space between them, and a 14 month old boy. I am always busy. There is no downtime anymore, and my couple of peaceful hours every afternoon have gone right out the window. It’s fine, and with Daisy’s mom no longer causing me rage or sadness on a weekly basis I enjoy my job more than I have in a long time, but it does mean that I’m once again needing to recalibrate.

Harry’s baseball season only wrapped up on Saturday night. His team played in the U11 Provincial Championships and acquitted themselves well… after a regular season record of 4 – 14, they fought hard and lost three close games. It was a tough season, and there were a lot of issues with the parents & coaches that made it even tougher for us as a family, but we are both so proud of how Harry handled himself. He kept his chin up. He did whatever was asked of him. His whole approach to the game improved by leaps & bounds, and even though the coaches didn’t seem to recognize it, we saw it, and we couldn’t be more pleased. This winter he’ll be doing a skills clinic every Sunday, and next summer we’ll be moving him to a different league in town, with more kids and (we hope) fewer politics.

As for me… well. I got out and did more things this summer than I have in years. After a long dark time of depression and anxiety ruling my life, I am slowly coming back to myself. I’ve really been pushing myself to say yes to things, instead of no. It’s having an effect. I still have my bad days – like when I have a complete sobbing door-slamming meltdown because I can’t find a dress to wear to a wedding – but then I have good days too, like when I ask for help, find a dress, and then go to a wedding full of strangers BY MYSELF. I still sometimes need to huddle on the couch and not be touched or talked to, but the days of bitter despair are fewer all the time, and when I do have a spiral downwards I recognize it for what it is and am able to claw my way back up.

Talk to me in February, but right now, I’m OK – even if my house is kind of a mess.

(I just went looking for a messy house image to insert here, and I take it all back. My house is not that bad at all, as it turns out. Some people should just burn the freaking thing down and start again).

 

 

 

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Responses

  1. I always remind myself of that Dust if you must poem out there on Google. I’ve not hoovered in a fortnight. I might just have to do it today though only to see what colour my carpet is. Strangely I have been making myself clean the kitchen properly and leave it clean for me to go into in a morning. I like this feeling. I don’t even recognise myself anymore!

  2. Satan’s Unwashed Armpit – preach, sister. I’m so happy you’re in a better-on-the-whole sort of place. I am too, actually, and yes, I know we’ll be clutching each other digitally and wondering why everything sucks so much in November, but right now it’s nice to be not there. I’m also elated that our saying-yeses coincided this summer. And now I’m going to go clean off the staircase landing. Maybe. xoxo

  3. The humidity is killing me.

    Killing me.

    Killing me dead.

    Ugh!

    I love your blog. I am glad your happiness and yeses are sticking around. That is really lovely.

  4. I’m so glad to hear you’re emerging into the light again. It’s so hard to start that climb but it’s worth it once you find the tiniest smidge of energy to begin, and it gets easier with every step.

    Also, I’ve vacuumed precisely twice in the five weeks we’ve lived here, with a cat, a dog and two long-haired women creating as much hair and dust as you’d imagine, and six people-visitors and two dog-visitors adding to the mess. Cleanliness pshaw, we’re busy living.


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