For the first time in five years? maybe six? I am not participating in NaBloPoMo.
I feel oddly guilty about it. Guilty, and sad.
The fact is I’m busier with my day-to-day life than I’ve been in a long time. My dayhome is full with a mixed-age group (and more littles than I’ve had in the past couple of years). I don’t get a naptime break anymore as the older kids don’t sleep. Harry catches the bus at 7:10AM so I’m up at 6:15 to keep him company while he gets ready, and as he doesn’t go to bed until 9PM I’m quite literally mothering for fifteen hours a day.
It’s fine, most of the time. I don’t exactly mind it. I’ve hit my stride in the dayhome and except for Ron and George’s constant, never-ending bickering I feel like I’m handling parenting OK too. There’s just a lot to juggle, and by the time I’ve set aside “mom” and picked up “spouse” I’m maybe an hour away from falling asleep. It doesn’t feel fair or sustainable to spend that hour blogging every day for a month.
Last night I was awake for most of the night. Most of the dayhome parents have a head cold and while the kids seem mostly fine, the adults are dropping like flies. I’m fighting it as best I can but my throat was too sore for sleep, so I made a mug of tea and sat up, wrapped in a blanket with our new kittens in my lap, watching the fireplace channel and wondering about what the world will look like not just on November 9th but in the months and years ahead.
I haven’t been writing at all lately and just trying feels like that first day at fitness boot camp all over again. The muscles are rusty. I’m gritting my teeth to get through and just hit ‘publish’. I’m not exactly enjoying this. My focus is split because I’m supervising free play, making sure the 16mo doesn’t get scratched by the kitten he’s enthusiastically investigating, wondering why Harry’s teacher emailed to say “hi, are you Harry’s parent/guardian?” after I’ve confirmed that and in fact communicated with the woman twice, hoping the kids’ dental appointments go well, trying to remember everything for our big family vacation to-do list, watching the clock, bracing myself for a long damn day, trying not to stress about an impending teachers’ strike that could completely bollocks our winter… my brain is the proverbial long-tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs, and I just don’t have enough left over to write anything people want to read.